Adventures In Compromised Morals: Home For Thanksgiving
December 3rd, 2007 by Patrick Blake
So I was back in Jacksonville for Thanksgiving. On a positive note, I think I am turning the corner on my annual holiday disaster of getting plastered and then passing out somewhere weird in my parents’ house, sometimes clothed, with or without a female companion.
Anyway, I went out for a bit on Wednesday night with a few friends. Just like every other city across the country, in Jax the night before Thanksgiving is an annual event where everyone is back in town and goes out full force. I usually find this to be one of my favorite nights of the year.
Why?
There are always random slores from high school that show up. Most are seriously impressed when you tell them you live anywhere outside of J-Ville. This is because all of them still live in Jacksonville or the near vicinity, and their lives suck.
It’s also fun to laugh and point at all the chicks that have turned into fatties since the last time you saw them.
Anyway I digress.
So immediately upon entering one of the many sub par cheesy bars that dominate my hometown, I hear a female voice call my name. I give her a completely blank stare because I have no clue who she is. Neither of us say anything until I decide to be honest and tell her I have no idea who she is.
She reminds me and then I kind of remember her as some forgettable chick that was a few years behind me in school. Not that she’s hot now or anything, but she’s relatively cute. Like a Florida “5″ or a D.C. “7″.
She remembers where I went to college and asks me if I know a dude that used to play quarterback at my school. I say, “Sure, I remember that d-bag. He sucked so bad he genuinely made me nostalgic for the below average quarterback that started for us my freshman year.”
She has no idea what I’m talking about. But F her.
Here’s what’s hilarious: She tells me that she’s training to become a masseuse (I never said chicks that went to my high school were bright or ambitious), and that she met said quarterback earlier that week, and that he “volunteered” his body for her to practice her massage technique.
Read that again. “Volunteered” his body. He said that. Totally sounds like something that would come out of that d-bag’s mouth.
After she tells me she agreed to let him, I ask her why the fuck she would do that, and this is her verbatim quote: “He has like 1,600 Facebook friends and makes all this money playing arena football.”
What a dumb B.
I tell her arena football is like working at Waffle House and that he has herpes. But it doesn’t seem to phase her. So I ask if she banged him. And she definitely says yes without saying yes.
And then I get real angry thinking about that d-bag getting laid after volunteering his body to get rubbed on by some hooker who’s not smart enough to go to college.
Next time I’m home for a holiday she’s definitely waking up on the tile in my parents’ kitchen.
“Adventures in Compromised Morals” features excerpts from the life and times of Team Cool & Tough’s resident baller. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.
Week 13 Picks:
Week 12 Picks:
December 3rd, 2007 at 4:01 pm
“I tried to hook up with her, but obviously have a ton less game than some loser playing Arena Football” - what I just read.
December 3rd, 2007 at 4:05 pm
“It’s also fun to laugh and point at all the chicks that have turned into fatties since the last time you saw them.”
They wouldn’t give you the time of day when they were hot and still think you’re a loser however many years later….got it.
December 3rd, 2007 at 4:21 pm
“But F Her”?
“What a dumb B”?
“d-bag”?
Jeeeeeesus Christ. No wonder you never get poon. How in the fuck do you look at yourself in the mirror? Take a stand you fucking pussy and cuss…or are you afraid that you will go to “h-e-double hockey sticks”?
December 3rd, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Wow, you fags must really get shot down a lot. You are all over it. Your homos…got it.
December 3rd, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Florida 5 = DC 7 This man speaks a little truth.
December 3rd, 2007 at 4:28 pm
“Not that she’s hot now or anything, but she’s relatively cute. Like a Florida “5″ or a D.C. “7″.”
Lemme guess…a D.C. “7″ for you is any chick who is Wesley Snipes black, has 3 baby daddies (none of which pay child support), voted for Marion Berry(…twice!), has genital warts and has a blonde wig made out of horse hair stitched into her braids.
December 3rd, 2007 at 5:46 pm
Diddy-
Your right, I am a homo. I have suppressed my sexual urges for men so long that I have become an overweight bitter loser who lives in my parents basement. My only contact with the outside world is trying to sound tough in comments on this website.
I really got mad at this article because I have 1600 facebook friends too, but I have never met any of them. Having facebook friends makes me feel wanted.
Truthfully, the reason I became such a pathetic bitch is that my mommy didnt hug me enough and my daddy hugged me a little too much when I was a kid.
I will try not to comment anymore, but my suppressed homosexual rage may require me to write some not funny, obviously pathetic attempt to regain an ounce of pride, terrible comment in the future.
I’m sorry for being alive.
December 3rd, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Patrick Blake sounds like the kind of fag who could not get laid by the fat cocktail waitress at a run down strip club.
December 4th, 2007 at 11:38 am
“I can’t be gay. I mean, I only sucked a c*ck once and I absolutely hated it.” - P. Blake
December 4th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
^^^BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!^^^
Rack Crut!!!
December 4th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
wow, how clever, someone posing as me and pouring out their own real feelings.
what an unoriginal retard you are.
Why dont you go outside and play a nice game of hide and go fuck yourself?