Dr. Jekyll here with a column chocked full of friendly medical advice.

I’m going out on a limb and guessing the majority of you suffer from questionable morals. Not too much of a stretch seeing that several of you have my cell number and call me at untimely hours with questions about rashes and burning urination.

But I’m not here to judge. It’s not my business what closing time trash you picked up last Saturday night, or the latest war pig Booth got to buy him dinner. I’m as guilty as anyone. Instead I’m here to pass along helpful medical wisdom to use when combating one of our greatest collective foes: The Sexually Transmitted Disease.

To keep things simple, I break down STDs in three major categories: “My Life is Over”, “Off My Feet for a Week”, and “Woke Up with This Tattoo”, and give each individual disease a 1-10 seriousness score.

Today we’ll go over the “Off My Feet for a Week” and next time we’ll touch on “Woke Up with This Tattoo”. Since the “My Life is Over” category just includes HIV and AIDs, and both are not only deadly, but also lack comedy entirely, we’re going to skip over those altogether.

“Off My Feet for a Week”

Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Trichomoniasis, Syphilis, and Phthirius Pubis.

Possible Companionship When You Have One of the Above: There’s a 50/50 chance you got one of these from someone you held so dearly after half a handle of Beam. These diseases are easily treatable, just follow the Ol’ Doc’s advice and take your week’s worth of antibiotics.

Your chances of hooking up again will only be limited to the size of your wallet or how fucking ugly you are.

1. Chlamydia - 5 out of 10

This little guy is number one on the list and number one in our pants. 7-21 days after exposure you may see symptoms.

The Good News: Easily treatable. Test for it using the urine test (avoid the swab test, trust me). Not passed along by sucking face or sharing toilet seats.

The Bad News: 50% of people have undetectable symptoms. Passed by oral sex, missionary position, and anal sex. May infect eyes, mouth, dick, and anus.

The Ugly News: White/cloudy/watery discharge from your dick. Pain/burning while pissing. Testicular pain/testicular swelling. If left untreated may cause infertility in men and women.

2. Gonorrhea - 4 out of 10

Chlamydia’s partner in crime. The “Clap” is treated simultaneously with Chlamydia because they are often contracted in unison. 1-14 days after exposure you may see symptoms.

The Good News: Easily treatable. Test for it using the urine test (again, avoid the swab test, that thing is brutal). Not passed along by swallowing tongues or sharing toilet seats.

The Bad News: Women may have undetectable symptoms. Passed by oral sex, doggy-style, and anal sex. May infect eyes, mouth, dick, and anus.

The Ugly News: White/Yellow/Green thick discharge from your dick. Irritation/Discharge from the asshole. Swollen testicles/prostate. Itching/burning when pissing. If left untreated may cause infertility.

3. Syphilis - 5 out of 10

The great masquerader. Looks at first like it should hurt like hell but doesn’t. Goes away on its own only to come back a few months later as a rash on your hands and feet. If you leave it alone again it will go away a second time only to resurrect a third time to make you crazy and fuck your heart. First signs are a painless ulcer 1 week to 3 months after infection.

The Good News: Easily treatable, if you catch it. Blood test for diagnosis (quit being a pussy with needles). Not passed along by licking gums or sharing toilet seats.

The Bad News: The latent periods where the disease is coursing through your body but isn’t showing symptoms. Passed by oral sex, reverse cowgirl, and anal sex. Killed Al Capone.

The Ugly News: First round you’ll have a large blister which may ooze shit and looks like it should hurt like hell, but doesn’t. Second round you’ll have rashes on your hands and feet and look to the outside world like a chronic masturbater. Final round–if untreated–you’re hit with possible psychosis and heart problems (Capone-style).

4. Trichomoniasis - 2 out of 10

If ya got it, you probably don’t know it. And unless your girlfriend is bitching, who really cares?

The Good News: Asymptomatic to men almost always. Treatable.

The Bad News: May show up in you lady friend in the form of discharge and itching.

The Ugly News: To test for it, you’ve got to get a swab stabbed up the cock hole (not pleasant). And you can catch it from sharing towels as well as sexual contact.

5. Phthirius Pubis - 2 out of 10.

AKA Crabs, baby. Crabs. If you got it, you’ll know it. These little guys will be rummaging around in the forest you got down there. Takes about one week to notice for first time offenders, only a day or so for the rest of us.

The Good News: No testing needed due to overwhelming visual evidence. Easily treated with antibiotic creams.

The Bad News: If someone else finds them first, you may never get a date in that state again.

The Ugly News: Can get them from almost any kind of contact, even toilet seats if your the first to take a dump after someone infested.

Part II coming soon…

Dr. Jekyll is Team Cool & Tough’s resident M.D. His regular columns dispense the valuable medical knowledge that matters to you most.

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