This morning a lot of people feel like shit, but two NFL players feel especially craptastic.

Anthony Smith

To summarize, Steelers’ Safety Anthony Smith guaranteed a win against the Patriots only to go out on Sunday and be made to look like the worst player in the NFL. The Patriots victimized Smith with a devastating attack of flea flickers and play action passes designed solely to make him look retarded. You may have mistaken Smith for playing drunk the majority of the game.

Smith had the added bonus of Randy Moss repeatedly telling him we was going to “shake his dick” at him, and then Randy promptly doing just that.

Two lessons to be learned here. 1) The guaranteed win is lame, played out, and deserving of a career-defining kick to the balls. And 2) Don’t fuck with the devil. In this case Belichick. It’s well documented that the guy is pure fucking evil. Those who incite his wrath get what they’re asking for.

Jon Kitna

Kitna, Kitna, Kitna. This poor bastard just can’t catch a break. From his misshapen head, to the entire Dallas defense attempting to paralyze him, to his team’s inability to close a big win, Kitna is “shit for luck” personified.

Detroit had Dallas on the ropes for what would have been a signature win and a spot back in the playoff picture, yet–with seconds left on the clock–the universe righted itself: Romo won and Kitna lost.

Romo’s team will now go to the Super Bowl, Kitna’s team will now draft another wide receiver. Romo went home and banged Jessica Simpson, Kitna went home and changed dirty diapers. Jerry Jones plans to invite Romo into his office and give him unlimited access to the private jet, Matt Millen plans to invite Kitna into his office and force him into a game of Russian roulette.

Romo feels like a million bucks this morning, Kitna’s still kind of feels like this:

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