Some of you are relatively new to the workforce. New to cubicles, new to fluorescent lighting, new to forced conversation. For that, we apologize. We’re all too familiar with disenchantment.

But one of the few new work related experiences that can be a good time–and at the very least interesting–is the office holiday party. Since we unfortunately have a few years experience with this annual shindig, it’s time again for Team C&T to share some knowledge with the rest of you.

How to Act

• No brainer. Always act cool & tough.

Things to Do

• Impress your co-workers with your college-like drinking abilities.

• Make up chauvinistic nicknames for the ladies in your office like “Buttercup” and “Sugar Tits”. If they act offended, tell them it’s the eggnog talking.

• Be the unlame Secret Santa. For your present to the office admin, gift wrap a dildo and then laugh and point hysterically when she opens it. Some may find your comedy inappropriate. Fuck them.

• Ask your boss for a substantial raise when you’re both good and drunk.

People To Watch

• The one older dude you thought was kinda cool but find out is actually a big skeev after two gin and tonics. He makes creepy comments to every girl that walks by and non-ironically finds a way to use “pussy” in every other sentence.

• The typically quiet admin who drinks too much chardonnay and flirts way too hard with somebody very senior and important.

• The cheap bastard from accounting who eats his face off and put dibs on leftovers an hour into the party.

• The one dude you talk football with on a daily basis who shows up with his “partner” to the party.

What to Accomplish

• Fool around with the office skeez. She’s the only chick there that’s willing to get down during the party. You knock out that rite of passage and all the older dudes will think you’re seriously money.

• Destroy some old guy who thinks he can hang shot for shot with you. Taunt him as two co-workers put him in a cab when it’s still light out. If his wife is there is watching, good. If his girlfriend is there watching, even better. If you have a shot to hook up with either, take it. It’s his fault for challenging your drinking skills.

• End up at a strip club with your boss at 2AM. Tell him you’re prepared to accept that raise in either two forms of currency: USD or lap dances.

The “StillAwesome Life Coach” is NextRound’s advice column aimed at helping our readers maintain an exceptional level of awesomeness. Click here to check out previous columns.

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