Let’s be honest, 95% of the dudes we know don’t live what you call interesting lives. We mostly work 9 to 5 jobs which usually involve a cubicle, meaningless piles of paper work, and maybe a respectable paycheck.

A few of us get to regularly breathe fresh air by working in sales where you travel from place to place trying to convince a store owner he needs the newest toilet bowl cleaning product on his shelves or trying to convince an office manager your copiers print in better, brighter colors, but who really fucking cares.

Yeah, it’s not all bad, but in the cut throat game of conquering vag every little advantage helps, including upgrading that 10 hour a day debacle you call a career and spitting out something else to up your stock. Maybe it’s not honest, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned to get ahead over the years, its lie, lie, and lie some more. And when done appropriately, the art of embellishing your job can do wonders for an average man’s game.

Be advised, working in false identities is for slumming purposes only. Don’t fall into the trap of using this technique on a girl only to decide she’s worth pummeling more than once. Next thing you know you’re hanging out with her sober, then you’re taking her to dinner, then you’re meeting her parents, and then you have a whole lot of explaining to do, which sucks.

False identities are designed for the quick hit: slump-busters, out of town game, and bars that cougars tend to frequent.

It works in several other scenarios, but you need to have 100% confidence you will never see this chick again. The last thing you want to do is get caught off guard and not remember your career from a previous night on the town. It’s awkward and messy for everyone.

Here are the 4 steps you need to keep in mind:

Step 1: Be creative.

Anyone can be a doctor or a lawyer. It’s quick and simple and people are already pretty aware of what goes along with these professions. But let’s be honest, the world’s full of these losers. Also, when you go with a common profession you run the risk of the female target possibly doing the same thing for a living or knowing someone who does. Then they probably know more about being a doctor or a lawyer than you do. Then you’re fucked.

So don’t be afraid to venture out of your comfort zone and think outside the box. Nothing too crazy or over the top; if you’re the Prince of Dubai it becomes really fucking hard to explain why you’re drinking a Miller Lite at Ray Ray’s Dive Bar with your buddy who has a 6 inch Jaeger stain on his shirt and can’t even remember his name.

Think interesting, but not to hard to explain. Thought provoking, but easy to move away from. Remember, this is only to get your foot through the door, not become the theme of the night.

Step 2: Research, research, research.

I can’t stress this enough. Like any sales pitch the key is knowing your shit. Even the drunkest of chicks will see through a shitty delivery. As soon as you start babbling or show a lack of confidence, you might as well throw your own drink in your face.

I’m not saying go to the local library and write a fucking book report, but try using Google or Yahoo to find out a little more about “what you do”. Gather some useful knowledge, terms, and little known facts about your profession. For example, if you’re a marine biologist, you should know that the Humpback Whale is in danger of extinction. If you don’t, you’re an asshole. Credibility is everything.

Step 3: Delivery.

This is where YOU determine whether you’re Jim Young from Boiler Room or Willy Loman from Death of a Salesman. Be confident, no hesitation. Let it fly.

Casually drop some of those interesting tidbits that you found on the Internet and play them off as your own. Get her interested, but then move onto something else. Pretend you’re being modest and tell her you want to learn more about her. Chicks eat this kind of shit up and the last thing you want is to get caught off guard by some random question related to your new career that you have no answer for.

Step 4: Run with it.

If needed, work off the cuff. Be confident, quick, and creative when responding to any unplanned questions or challenges. No plan ever executes precisely, but if you’ve followed the steps above, step 4 should be easy.

Stayed tuned as in upcoming articles we’ll be hitting the field and providing play-by-play from Adventures in False Identities.

Next installment: Big Slim, MLS soccer player.

“Adventures in False Identities” features stories and instruction in the art of career falsification from Team Cool & Tough’s resident weekend warrior, Big Slim. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.

Email This