We understand that the Falcons’ gig didn’t exactly play out the way Bobby Petrino anticipated. The quarterback’s doing time, the defensive players have attitude problems, and the football community is beginning to realize that the Falcons’ GM has been taking draft day advice from Matt Millen.

We get it: Not the job Bobby Petrino signed up for.

But was it too much to ask for this dude to not be a complete and utter fucking weasel about getting out of the job? Guess it was.

And how do you feel if you’re an Arkansas fan? Well, you probably feel better than you did on Monday. It’s slightly less humiliating to have Bobby “Sackless” Petrino as your coach than having five other dudes not wanting to be your coach.

Bobby Petrino’s PITFF Qualifications

Coaching Experience: Weber State, Idaho, Arizona State, Utah State, Nevada, Auburn, the Jacksonville Jags, Louisville, the Atlanta Falcons, and now Arkansas in a span of 25 years.

Why That Sucks: Dude hops jobs like we hop relationships. Feigns commitment, then bolts in the middle of the night.

Coaching Mentor: The one and only self-slapping John L. Smith, voted Big 10 Psychotic Coach of the Year an astounding three years in a row.

Guy You Didn’t Know Petrino Coached: Jake Plummer. Petrino was the Snake’s quarterbacks coach at ASU. The two often joked about how hilarious it would be if they could fool pro scouts into thinking Plummer was a NFL quarterback.

Fun Facts: While at Louisville, Petrino got busted for taking a private jet down to Auburn in the middle of the night to interview for his former boss, Tommy Tubberville’s job. That move is SO Petrino.

More Fun Facts: After the success that is Louisville’s Papa John’s Stadium, Petrino is already in heavy talks to have Razorback Stadium renamed Jimmie Dean’s Stadium.

Scummiest Thing Petrino Does Off the Football Field: Only tips 5%.

What the Text Message from Houston Nutt said: “Good Luck. IMO, you’ll win the SEC W with McFadden, Jones, and Mitch Mustain next year…Oh wait. Nmind. Good luck coming up with different penis names to ridicule Casey Dick with. BFF, Houston”

Bill Belichick’s Comments on the Situation: “That pussy will have to win more than three games in my league for me to comment on him.”

The One Guy Supporting Petrino: Crappy backup QB, Chris Redman. Ryan Leaf also said he thought Petrino was an “OK” guy.

One Last Reason To Deliver a Kick to the Balls: Petrino told his players he was leaving the team in the manliest way possible: via a four sentence letter to each, delivered by someone else. Apparently his Hotmail account was having some issues processing the multiple “@falcons.org” addresses.

“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s weekly segment on shitty people. Click here to check out previous editions.

Email This