This morning a lot of people feel like shit, but the following people feel especially craptastic.

The Guy Who Laid an Egg When His Girlfriend Showed Up

Tony Romo’s lady friend appeared in a suite at Texas Stadium yesterday afternoon, and he promptly choked away home field advantage for his team and fantasy championships for thousands of guys who have nothing else to live for.

With so many external factors it’s difficult to pinpoint what exactly did Romo in, but if we had to guess it was one of the following:

He Made Eye Contact with Jessica’s Creepy Dad. And was then unable to shake the feeling that Joe Simpson had snuck a nanny cam in his and Jessica’s hotel bedroom the night before.

He Spotted Jessica on the Jumbotron. And noticed she was doing her best Britney impersonation, looking remarkably beat-down and rocking a silly version of his jersey on national television. He became so preoccupied with developing tactics to end the relationship he couldn’t call an audible or check off a safety.

He Heard That Jessica Alba is Knocked Up. And was devastated because Alba is next on the ‘Romo To-Do List’. Who the fuck is Cash Warren anyway?

The Team That Lost to the Dolphins

Brian Billick to Matt Stover: “Alright, Matt. We’re the Ravens and we’ve lost 7 games in a row. We’re fucking terrible, and I should have been fired weeks ago. But we’ve squeaked into overtime against possibly the worst team ever. So just put this 44-yarder through the uprights so I don’t become even more of a laughing stock.”

Stover: “No sweat, Coach. I’m pretty much automatic from this distance. And don’t worry, you’ll never be as big of a joke as Cam Cameron.”

Billick: “Ha, ha, ha! You are correct, sir!” [Slaps Stover’s back] “Now go nail this thing!”

Thirty seconds later…

Billick: “Oh this is just fucking embarrassing.”

College Football Fans in West Virginia

Latest AP Report: “Despite him having hacked away a shot at the national title, the loss of West Virginia football coaching deity, Rich Rodriguez, to The University of Michigan has spawned a rash of melancholic couch burnings the likes of which the state has never before seen. The Governor of West Virginia has already proclaimed the crisis will, ‘make the San Diego wildfires look like a camping mishap.’”

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