Whether you’re married, engaged, or have been regularly cheating on the same chick since college, buying her a Christmas present is always an excruciating task that never gets easier. Here’s a list of the top 5 things to get that special lady in your life when you are both cool and tough:

5. A Game Console

A Playstation 3 or X-Box 360 is the ultimate self-gift disguised as you forking out some cash for the little lady. Ideal for when you stay over at her place a lot and get tired of talking to her. Buy her the identical console you have and just bring your games over.

What you say after she’s opened it: “You’re always saying we should try to have more things in common…And it’s a DVD player!”

4. Tickets to a Sporting Event

Whether it be a bowl game, an NFL game, or even a hockey game, a gift that is also a night out in the future is the gift that keeps on giving. Tickets come with the added bonus of you getting to enjoy the game as well.

What you say after she’s opened it: “Don’t think it ends with just the tickets. Those bad boys also include up to $20 worth of concessions and a night out with yours truly…”

3. “Steve” Coupons

Or whatever your name is. Coupons are ideal for those of us short on cash flow. Just grab five to ten index cards and on each one individually write, “Good for one ______” and draw a Santa next to it. Make sure all the coupons are redeemable for crap you have to do anyway (i.e. trips to the mall, dinner with her parents). That way, not only is it a thoughtful gift, but you’re essentially monetizing something that previously had no value.

What you say after she’s opened it: “Redeemable Monday through Friday and when Steve is sober…”

2. Gym Membership

Nothing says you care about your lady’s physical well-being than buying her a gym membership. If you can afford it, go nuts with this one. We’re talking the works: sign her up for trainer sessions, aerobics classes, and a nutritional program. She’ll love you for it.

What you say after she’s opened it: “Now you’ll never have to ask me if you look fat in something again…”

1. Mall Bucks

The utilitarian gift. Perfect for those of us who don’t really listen to our significant other and therefore have no fucking clue what they want for Christmas. Everyone can find something they want in the mall, right? You bet your sweet ass they can!

What you say after she’s opened it: “You can use them anywhere in the mall. Anywhere! Every fucking store!”

Merry Christmas, Bitches!

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