We don’t give a shit if Roger Clemens used HGH. Let’s go ahead and get that out of the way. As far as we’re concerned every single dude who played professional baseball in the nineties shotgunned a concoction of growth hormones and horse tranquilizers every single morning. We would have been doing the same had we not been introduced to Doc Gooden in 1986.

No, this devastating upper cut to the jaw has nothing to do with the Rocket’s pitching ability, enhanced or otherwise. We’re punching Roger in the face because he’s a fat-faced, attention-whoring prima donna that consistently gets jammed down our throats when all we want to do is concentrate on football.

Sure, Roger probably didn’t orchestrate the current media frenzy over his alleged HGH use, but the son of a bitch brought it on himself with all his “look at me, look at me, I might retire, I might not” grand-standing bullshit over the last five years. That’s why the blame falls squarely on him.

The end result? ESPN, the radio, and the majority of sports blogs are once again stuck in the quagmire that they consider interesting journalism: debating steroid use in baseball. A subject that has the highest reverse correlation of public interest to media coverage levels of any media topic ever. We conducted a study.

So, Roger, for being a world class asshole and for hogging the headlines in December when we should be fully immersed in the NFL and bowl season, go fuck yourself here’s your punch in the face.

Roger Clemens’s PITFF Qualifications

Number of Times He’s Attempted to Retire: 5, by our count (’03-’07). Just edging out Brett Favre and Jay-Z for the title.

Estimated Start Date of HGH Use: ‘97, first year in Toronto. Nobody wins back to back Cy Youngs in Canadia.

Athlete Cougar Wife Factor (1-10): 8.5. Debra Clemens has a six pack, which is a little much for us, but we certainly wouldn’t kick her out of a threesome.

Lamest Shit We’ve Ever Heard: Naming his kids made up “K” names in reference to strike outs (Koby, Kory, Kacy, and Kody). Fucking stupid. Our plan to name our kids (legitimate or otherwise) with “A” names in reference to our awesomeness is bad ass though.

Thing We Actually Like About the Guy: His cameo in “Kingpin”.

This was money:

Scummiest Thing Roger Does Off the Diamond: Organizes homeless boxing matches.

Jose Canseco’s Comments on the Clemens’s HGH Allegations: “Did you buy a copy of my book? You show me a receipt, I give you a quote.”

If Our Punch Misses We Hope It Hits: Curt Schilling, George Mitchell, or Bud Selig.

Now go out and punch someone.

“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s weekly segment on shitty people. Click here to check out previous editions.

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