Coughlin’s office. Friday before the Giants play the Patriots.

Eli Manning: [Taps on Coughlin’s door] Hey, Coach. You wanted to see me?

Tom Coughlin: Yeah, Eli. Sit your ass down. And dammit son, next time don’t knock on my door like such a pussy. When you knock on someone’s door, you knock like a man. Two raps. Like this [bangs twice on desk].

Eli: Sorry. I’ll work on it.

Coughlin: You think Tom Brady knocks like a homo? Do you? No. Brady knocks with authority. Geezus, it’s official. We’re going to get the shit kicked out of us tomorrow night.

Eli: Yeah, the Patriots are really good. They’ll probably go undefeated and win the Super Bowl. That would pretty much make them the best team ever.

Coughlin: Why don’t you just jerk them all off while you’re at it, dipshit? You think I don’t know they’re good? Of course they’re good. I called you in here because I talked myself into believing I might be able to fire you up enough before the big game to inspire the rest of the team…Now that I’m looking at you I’m 100% confident we’re fucked.

Eli: [Confused] Am I even going to play? I figured with us having a playoff spot locked up and everything…

Coughlin: You don’t want to play?

Eli: [Scratches back of head] I mean, not really. Like I said, they’re really good. And I thought it might be a good week for me to rest. My thumb’s kind of bothering me. And Lorenzen has looked pretty good in practice. And since they’ve already won 15 games and so many Patriots fans are going to be in the Meadowlands, I figured we’d just let them get the W. Oh, and Randy Moss is on my fantasy team…

Coughlin: [Slams fist on desk] Are you fucking joking, Eli?! Goddammit, this is a legacy game! We’re going to be known forever as the assholes that couldn’t stop the Patriots from running the table! You want to rest?! There’s not going to be any fucking rest! Stick your thumb up your ass if you need to make it feel better! That seems to usually work for you! And Lorenzen?! That son of a bitch weighs 500 lbs.! We’ll need the fucking jaws of life to get him off the field at every change of possession! You don’t care if we go down in history as a bunch of fucking nancies?!

Eli: [Looks like he might crap himself] Um, I don’t know. I thought it might be nice to be known as something besides Peyton’s brother.

Coughlin: [Pupils dilated, face red] Eli, do you understand how much I fucking hate Bill Belichick?

Eli: Um, no…

Coughlin: I hate him more than I hate Jacksonville. I hate him with every morsel of my being. Before this season, he had his rings, but at least I was known as the most cold hearted bastard in this league. Now I don’t have that anymore. People think I’m some crotchety old asshole, but they think he’s pure evil. I’m a laughing stock. My own grandkids keep emailing me this picture. [Shows Eli picture] Do you know how fucking humiliating this is?

Eli: Ha, ha, ha. That picture is really funny. He’s got rings on all his fingers. Ha, ha.

Coughlin: You know what’s funny, Eli? That Giants fans refer to you as ‘Tom Brady with Down Syndrome’. That’s what’s funny.

Eli: Ah, really? You heard that somewhere? That sucks. I wish you hadn’t told me that.

Coughlin: [Glimmer of hope in eye] But that’s what they’re saying, Eli. That’s what they’re saying. Doesn’t that fire you up? Doesn’t that make you want to go out there tomorrow night and prove them all wrong? Doesn’t that make you want to be the leader this team needs? Play with some passion?

Eli: [Shaking head] Not really. That just kind of makes me want to cry myself to sleep. People in this city are mean.

Coughlin: Alright, get the fuck out of my office! This meeting’s over! Christ!

[Eli sulks out.]

Coughlin: [To his secretary via speaker] Lois, show Eli to the ladies’ room. And get fucking Strahan in here. The guy’s an imbecile, but if he’s got the balls to take naked pictures of his wife’s sister then maybe he’s our only hope.

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