We’re going to apologize in advance for doing our audience a great disservice: introducing everyone to Riley Giles.

We only know who this goon is because it’s (kind of) our job to keep up with shitty people we might write about. You should be completely unaware of his presence. And now–by us making you aware he exists–we may have thrown a serious wrench into your daily life. You will probably spend the next month debating whether or not to hunt down this dude and euthanize him in his sleep for the betterment of mankind.

We go out of our way to exclude the names Britney, Paris, and Lindsay from this site. But today, when it comes to the uber-douche that is Riley Giles, we’ll make an exception.

Riley is the hardcore, pipe-hitting wigger that started dating Lindsay Lohan when she got out of rehab. She peaced him a couple of months ago, and now he’s giving interviews about dating Lindsay. Who gives a shit, right? Coke whores and tools in backwards Yankees caps deserve each other, right? Sure they do.

Well, in this dude’s interviews he’s claiming that Lindsay Lohan is a sex addict (highly believable) and that it’s his dong that created the monster (not so highly believable).

Check out the full interview here. It’s rather enlightening. If you enjoy hating members of your own species, that is. Because reading Riley Giles quotes and seeing Riley Giles pictures will most likely compel you to find a way to wipe his DNA from the planet.

Riley Giles’s PITFF Qualifications

Famous For: Boning a washed up, strung out Lindsay Lohan.

Why That Sucks: Even if she’s always been vastly overrated, we still wouldn’t mind handing Lindsay a serious briefcase full of the business. To know Riley Giles has not only infiltrated her, but also gets paid to talk about it is almost too much for any sane person to handle.

Our Favorite Riley Quotes from the Interview:

Riley Being Modest: “We once did it four times in a row straight. That was crazy. Lindsay was insatiable. She’d demand sex again and again. We’d go at it for hours. She’d have worn out most guys.”

Riley Auditioning For a Porn Gig: “The first time we had sex I couldn’t believe I was looking down at Lindsay Lohan naked. We’d barely gotten through the door when we just ripped each other’s clothes off. Lindsay is so hot. She has a great body. Her backside is fantastic, perfect, all plump and round. She has great curves but her belly is nice and flat and toned. We couldn’t get enough of each other.”

Riley Explaining Human Physiology: “When you orgasm, your endorphins shoot up and it becomes a massive natural high. If you have an addictive personality like Lindsay you need that to replace the highs you got from taking drugs all the time. Sex became a key part of her recovery.”

Chicks He’s Banged That Make Us Angry: Lindsay Lohan.

Chicks He’s Banged That Make Us Feel Better About Ourselves: Every other piece of Jersey trash he’s shown Riley Jr. to.

Fun Facts: While Lindsay is addicted to sex, Riley is addicted to text messaging and gold-plated necklaces. His favorite athlete is J.J. Reddick. Riley pays homage to J.J. by giving the shocker sign in every picture he poses for.

Another Reason To Deliver a Kick to the Balls: Riley, for certain, owns at least two Wu-Tang shirts (and we know that from a simple Google Images search, he probably has a closet full). We encourage all of you to contact your local congressman and push for legislation limiting ownership of Wu-Tang shirts to one shirt per Caucasian. Trust us, it’s for the greater good.

“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s weekly exposé on shitty people. Click here to check out previous editions.

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