We may have touched on Heidi Montag during the infant stages of this segment–around the same time she was in the infant stages of her current T&A campaign–but we now feel it’s time we give her her full due. Besides, the old Heidi and the new Heidi aren’t really even the same person.

The old Heidi was just some super annoying rich girl we wanted to give the business to for novelty’s sake. The new Heidi is a talentless bimbo that’s a Maxim decline away from a Playboy spread. We’d go as far as lighting her boyfriend on fire to give new Heidi the business.

That’s quite the transition over a few months span. Heidi, we commend you.

Heidi’s Hump Day Vitals

Age: 21. That’s nice. But the new front court negates the need for I.D. anyway.

Front Court: Substantial upgrade roughly a year ago. May go down as the most life-defining boob jobs of all time.

Back Court: See above photo.

Best Known For: Being a complete talentless retard. Milking reality television for every last drop of fame. Having possibly the shittiest human being on earth for a boyfriend. Undergoing the most successful plastic surgery of all time. Seriously, get us the name of that doctor.

What You Didn’t Know: Heidi claims some record company is actually letting her work on a legitimate album. Appears more likely that they’re letting her try out one single. It may or may not be available on Australian I-Tunes next month. Her talents really translate in the southern hemisphere.

Funniest Shit You Ever Heard: One of her songs was leaked via the world wide web and contains not only Heidi singing (hilarious!) but also that Spencer douchebag rapping (just crapped our pants!).

Fun Facts: Heidi also wants to pursue an acting career. Shocker! She’s already enrolled in a Carl Weathers action workshop. She revealed in a recent interview that she anticipates winning an Academy Award at some point throughout her career.

Film Award She Could Realistically Win: AVN’s “Best Newcomer”.

Team Cool & Tough’s Recent Quotes on Heidi:

• “Check out that picture of Heidi Montag. Looks like shes done that before.”

• “I kind of hate her and love her at the same time. Her rack is so ridiculously fake, it’s awesome.”

• “How many more bikini spreads can she possibly do before she’s completely stale to the public and has to jump head first into adult films because she has no marketable qualities? 4? 5 tops?”

Countdown to Heidi’s First Playboy Appearance: 210 days. Same approximate time her single is removed from Australian I-Tunes.

Countdown to Heidi’s First Vivid Contract: 450 days. Same approximate time she’s really hit with the acting bug.

Estimated Number of Dudes: 14

Douchiest of Said Dudes: Is this even a category? That Spencer douchebag is in the running for biggest tool in the greater California area; this category means nothing to him.

Number of Drinks We’d Have to Buy Her to Take Her to Poundtown: 2 drinks and show her our recently printed Sony Music VP cards.

Potential for Prudiness: Low. Reality television does not lend itself to prudiness.

Psycho Potential: High. Reality show + Retard boyfriend + Delusional music/acting dreams + Would pose in a bikini for Japanese tourists. You do the math.

Probability for Disease: Moderate. Who knows what she did to get a record exec to let her make a single.

Geographic “1-10″ Score: Neck down, Heidi is a L.A. “8.5″ and a D.C. “12″. Neck up, a L.A. “5″ and a D.C. “9.5″.

See more Heidi Montag action here.

Previous Editions of Hump Day:

• Amanda Bynes
• Tara Conner
• End of the Year Video Mail-In
• Alexandra Paressant
• Carmella DeCesare

“Hump Day” is NextRound’s weekly segment featuring pretty ladies you should get to know. Click here to check out previous editions.

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