Punch In The Face Friday: Philip Rivers
January 18th, 2008 by NextRound
“Define Irony.” The words of the great Steve Buscemi from a little classic known as “Con Air”.
Irony is a loud-mouthed, slack-jawed, side-armed quarterback and his bumbling coach playing Tom Brady and Bill Belichick for the AFC Championship and a spot in the Super Bowl. Supreme irony would be Philip Rivers (the anti-Brady) and Norv Turner (the anti-Belichick) actually unseating the Patriots juggernaut this weekend. That’s pretty much Keanu Reeves beating out Tom Hanks for Best Actor. That defines irony.
But if you want to talk about irony, here’s the most ironic part of all: Despite our love for all things ironic, we can’t even root for San Diego to pull off the most hysterical piece of irony ever.
Why? Because Philip Rivers is such an uncompromising dipshit. Last weekend the guy took loserdome to unforeseen levels and, in doing so, poisoned all rooting interests for the Chargers. The son of a bitch pissed all over something sacred to us. And that warrants a turkey slap to face.
If we can’t pull for Norv Turner to outwit Bill Belichick in the biggest game of both their careers why the fuck are we even breathing?
Philip River’s PITFF Bio
Vitals: 6′5″. 225 lbs. Teeth too small for head. Hung like that Llama at the zoo.
Famous For: Keeping Chuck Amato in head coaching four years longer than warranted. Being traded for Eli. Shipping Drew Brees to the Big Easy. Regularly ignoring the check down to LT. Showing up for the 2006 Pro Bowl and somehow not being asked to leave. Defining “Cool & Tough” in Indianapolis last weekend. Looking like he should work at a fireworks store.
Weakest Shit We Ever Heard: Got married and started having kids at 19. Forfeited all starting quarterback privileges in college. This move pretty much epitomizes our disdain for Rivers.
Bears Striking Resemblance to: Lloyd Christmas.
Arm Most Resembles: Chad Pennington meets Vince Young on HGH.
Moment When Rivers Began to Think He Was Clever: Got a few too many locker room laughs at a Drew Brees mole joke.
Go-to Move After Interception: Bitch slap a trainer. Tell Norv it was his fucking fault.
What He Calls Himself in the Huddle: P-Riv.
Favorite Movie: “Double Impact”.
Favorite Band: Puddle of Mudd.
Best Coverage of Rivers: Kissing Suzy Kolber. KSK’s catch phrase for Rivers is “Ya betta ask somebodddaaaaaayyyyyyyy!” Funny doesn’t get much funnier than that.
Montage That Reinforces Our Claim:
Feel free to go out and punch someone.
Previous Editions of PITFF:
“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s weekly expose on shitty people. Click here to check out the PITFF archives.
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January 18th, 2008 at 9:18 am
you kind of mailed this one in fellas.