Random Thoughts From The Divisional Championships
January 21st, 2008 by NextRound
In semi-chronological order:
Patriots v. Chargers
Phil Simms hair looks more 80’s by the broadcast. A hundred dollars says he has a picture of Sting from a Police album cover taped to his bathroom mirror.
Sandbagging by claiming Philip Rivers has been “Doubtful” all week is kind of like telling everyone you have to go to the prom with your sister, and then showing up with your cousin.
Jim Nantz can promo “Survivor: Fans v. Favorites” all he wants. We’re not excited.
This just in, Brady likes to throw the ball to Faulk out of the backfield…
That sparking wrench looking thing painted on the Patriots’ field looks like a medieval sex toy.
Seriously, how in the hell did the
The Patriots answer a Chargers’ field goal with a touchdown. That move is soooo Patriots.
Did Peyton tell the director to, “Go fuck yourself, I’ll be playing in the Super Bowl” the first time he asked him to do a take of the “Bummed Out About Football Season Closing Down” Mastercard Commercial?
Michael Turner could be the next Priest Holmes, an out-of-nowhere fantasy stud at age 30.
A Tom Brady interception is like a bad Russell Crowe movie; you never see it coming.
Not letting Lawrence Maroney touch the ball all season–fantasy owners be damned–now that’s sandbagging.
It might be about time for the Mac v. PC ads to Barry Sanders themselves.
You fool yourself into thinking, “Hey, maybe this Philip Rivers guy isn’t quite the shithead I think he is.” Two interceptions and a sidelines blowup later, the universe rights itself.
Gun to your head: Sam Ryan on the gray grass at Lambeau or Holly Rowe in a luxury suite in New England? Go!
Darren Sproles on a long run looks like Norv Turner put in a cheat code. That guy is one speedy midget. (We’d like to be the first to coin him as “The Cheat Code”. Thanks.)
When Brady throws three interceptions in one game you have to wonder if something traumatic happened to him the week before. Like, maybe Gisele admitted she’s fake orgasmed on more than one occasion.
New England may have borrowed our high school girlfriend’s chastity belt to create a force-field in front of the end zone.
An undersized mid-western white kid loses his virginity to a chick way out of his league every time Wes Welker scores a touchdown.
Did anyone else sense Jim Nantz’s erection through their television when he did his Masters promo?
How has Martin Lawrence not won PITFF yet? His new movie looks as funny as getting an STD from your fiancée and not finding out until after you are married.
Patriots to the Super Bowl. 18-0. Shocker. In all seriousness though, three weeks into the season you thought Norv Turner had fucked up way worse than this, didn’t you?
Packers v. Giants
Pick your media poison for the next two weeks until the Super Bowl: “Peyton’s Little Bro v. Brady” OR “Vintage Hetero Man Crush v. New Age Hetero Man Crush”?
Frank Caliendo is more played out than gawking at Erin Andrews.
Gun to your head: Spend the rest of your life in Green Bay or Drink every beer you ever drink with Eli Manning. Go!
Joe Buck close talking Troy Aikman has us sporadically claiming “we’re not gay” to people we barely know.
Would you do Pam Oliver?
Eli needs to hire whatever PR firm got Lebron to quit biting his fingernails. Way too many people mistake the “Stolen Snack Pack” face for down syndrome.
Why did Budweiser pick the unfunny guy from unfunny SNL to helm their unfunny commercials?
Apparently, Patrick Crayton gave Amani Toomer a few pointers after last week’s game.
Booth was waaaay too excited about the “American Idol” tryout where the creepy dude sang a song he wrote titled, “Stalker”.
Outside of whether you’d do her or not, Pam Oliver’s discovery of “Heatergate” at the Giants’ bench should finally get her the journalistic recognition she deserves.
Maybe the real culprit of Eli’s lack of progression was Shockey’s terrible fucking bald eagle tattoo. That thing was distracting.
We might as well go ahead and admit it: We want to see “Jumper”. And to qualify that statement, we’d like to convey that we feel both Rachel Bilson AND Sam L can more than compensate for Hayden Christensen’s inability to act his way out of a wet nut sack.
As long as Donald Driver scores 90 yard touchdowns, his hoop earrings can be as inappropriately sized as he wants.Brandon Jacobs is making a case for his own version of the “Cheat Code”.
Gun to your head: “10,000 B.C” or “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins”? Go!
So, Joe Buck just informed us that Ryan Grant lost a year of his career when he sliced an artery in his arm in a bar accident. We don’t have all the facts, but that has “shivved by a prostitute in a bathroom stall” written all over it.
You would do Brett Favre’s wife.
Plaxico Burress apparently went to the AI school of practice. Practice?! We’re talkin’ about practice?!
The Packers need to start paying off home officials, Kryzewski-style
Do you think it’s true that Osi Umenyoru likes to poop on chicks? Yeah, us too.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers? Really? Huey Lewis and the News had a prior engagement?
In the 4th quarter and overtime, you just witnessed Lawrence Tynes being dramatically torn between his massive hard-on for Brett Favre and his desire for team success. It’s a good thing Favre is an Archie Manning fan.
And just like you were hoping before kickoff: You’ll be seeing Eli Manning, Tom Brady, Michael Strahan, Joe Buck, Pam Oliver, and the Heartbreakers, all in one place in February.
