Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty movie connoisseur, Steve Irony, analyzes the thing he loves most: shitty movies.

Let’s start with my background and qualifications, a brief history if you will. As long as I can remember I’ve been drawn to bad movies (well, not always bad, just never of the “Two Thumbs Up” variety). I am married to a VERY understanding woman. She’s endured countless hours with timeless actors like Mario Van Peebles and Steven Seagal.

I do enjoy great movies like “American Beauty”, “Citizen Kane”, “Rear Window”, “Alien”, “A Beautiful Mind”, “Field of Dreams”, and “Total Recall”; I just have a higher threshold for shitty movies than the average semi-rational male. I readily admit it and make no apologizes.

Over the years I’ve put in serious time with all things “Highlander”, including the TV series. I’ve enjoyed the work of Lorenzo Lamas, both in “Renegade” and the “Snake Eater” movies. I was devastated when Fox canceled Thomas Haden Church’s “Ned and Stacy”. I truly enjoyed both “Transporter” movies. AND LAST, but certainly not least, “Grandma’s Boy” goes down as an instant classic in my book, due largely to the record setting level of dick and fart jokes (known as “D&F” going forward).

In this column I will not be “reviewing” movies that are just bad; in fact, I will be reviewing movies that are awesomely BAD. For example, who didn’t like Andrew Dice Clay’s “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane”? Anyone?

Or how about the epic 1985 Harlem-based karate movie, “The Last Dragon”? You’ve seen it, right? It’s the one with the black shogun named “Sho’ Nuff”, where everyone is searching to find the “Master”, and the “Master” actually turns out to be a computer in the back of a Chinese restaurant. Classic! Go fuck yourself if you don’t own that movie on DVD. (Here’s a clip if you’re interested; might be easier to explain watching porn at work than this though.)

The moral of the story is that the movies I will be “reviewing” in Mindless Movies will all be questionable and maybe even unwatchable in nature. If any movie I cover even goes as far as getting nominated for a People’s Choice Award I have not done my job.

The plan is for me to watch them and tell you how awesome (-ly bad) they are. Here’s a breakdown of how this column will go:

Steve Irony’s STAR Rating (1-5): “1 Star” movies are only watchable when hungover, with too many stimulants in the system to sleep, after you’ve polished off at least one chicken biscuit. “5 Star” movies are just a hair better.

Currently in the Irony “Queue”: “WAR” with Jet Lie and Jason (Hetero Man Crush) Statham. “Shoot’ Em Up” with Clive Owen. And “Mr. Woodcock” with Billy Bob Thorton and Sean William Scott.

Various Categories Used in Mindless Movies

Irony’s “Under the Radar” Watch List: For movies I think have potential, like The Night Watchman with Keanu Reeves. A lot of promise here; it was written by the same guy who did “LA Confidential”.

Sleeper Hits by Irony’s Thinking (S.H.I.T.): “Grandma’s Boy”, “The Watcher” (also w/ Keanu Reeves, actually pretty good), “Dark Angel”, etc.

Date Movie Consequences: How a chick will react if you force her to watch a particular shitty movie with you.

Referral Result: How long your friends will be bullshit with you for referring a particular shitty movie.

Mindless Movie Review: “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer”

WOW. Alba could have done a “love scene” with Peter North half way through this thing and it wouldn’t have made this movie any better.

It’s nice to see the “Nip/Tuck” guy (Julian McMahon) getting some non-cable work and expanding his horizons. BUT, watching Vic Mackey (aka Michael Chiklis) take crap from the fire dude for an hour and a half is excruciating. Who takes crap from the star of “Not Another Teen Movie”? That peckerwood is giving Vic Mackey shit?

Personal Note to Vic: You are better than this. If the studio somehow drugs up Alba (or as I like to call her, “Little Dark Angel”) enough to make a third “Fantastic 4″, instead of you I better see Ralphie May’s dessert eating ass out there babbling about “slobbering” or “clobbering” or whatever the fuck your tagline is. Vic, they make you look like a 13 year-old girl who didn’t get asked to the dance. All you do is sit and cry and complain about being an orange rock; man up and go break shit, or T-Bag the fire kid and post the picture on the internet, or something. You should be running things around the “4″. Your street cred has definitely taken a few hits with these movies. Consider doing something with Bruce Willis soon (action not a comedy).

Oh, and let’s not forget the Professor. Help me get this straight, this guy cares more about being alone with his telescope than sealing the deal with Sue Storm AKA DARK ANGEL?! Geezus pal, you’re going about everything all wrong. Where do I even start? First–If I were you–I would be smiling ear-to-ear because of Sue Storm and my new found ability to finally satisfy a woman due to my super stretching power. Second, settling down is a bad idea. You are a superhero, with awesome stretching abilities. Your name is “Mr. Fantastic”. I don’t see getting a date being the most difficult thing in your life. I do appreciate how they touched on this in the movie, but they could have scratched the surface a little more by throwing you into an impromptu three-way.

Finally, Dark Angel. You really should be doing better roles. Do you remember “Sin City”? Remember how you were only in it for 20 minutes yet EVERY movie poster featured you in a bikini, wielding a lasso? Well, that phenomenon did not take place because you are a critically acclaimed actress. You are hot and showing skin is what you are good at. Not to sound too critical, but it was pretty pathetic how seriously you took this role. Over-acting when your character’s name is “Invisible Girl” is really unnecessary. At least you weren’t alone. Vic Mackey was busy trying to win an Oscar as a guy made out of stone with the catch phrase “Clobbering Time!”. I may never look at him the same again.

“Fantastic Four” Date Movie Consequences:

She may fart under the covers and makes you smell it.

Referral Results:

Whoever you refer the “Fantastic Four” sequel to will write off any recommendation you give them in the future and give you the “who farted” facial expression (a look of anger mixed with confusion and disgust) the next time you inform them you saw something good. Trust me, I’ve seen this look a little too often.

Steve Irony’s STAR Rating (1-5): 2 Stars

I didn’t think I would go this low so fast but I am giving the “Fantastic Four” sequel a “2″. You may have thought I was even considering a “1″. But Dark Angel’s presence really did save this movie. Also, the Silver Surfer special effects were pretty cool, and Julian McMahon’s Dr. Doom was actually solid. Nuff said. Or should I say: “Sho’ Nuff” said.

Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert. Enjoy his regular movie columns and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.

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