Well, today’s the day you’ve all been waiting for. It’s been twenty years in the making, crescendoing to this epic climax ever since the credits began to roll at the end of “Rambo III” in the 1988.

Ladies and Gentleman, “Rambo” is back!

And not a moment too soon. The world needs a hero now more than ever.

In case you’re wondering what John Rambo’s Vietnam-scarred ass has been doing for the last twenty years, you came to the right place, we’ve spent the week researching.

Rambo has been tucked away in northern Thailand, near the Thai-Burma border, running a longboat, catching poisonous snakes, and what not. A secluded Vietnam vet can make some pretty nice coin in the poisonous snake trade. From what we’re hearing Rambo may be forced out of retirement to save a group of missionaries from some Asian warlord, but that part’s a little hazy.

The important thing here is that the demands of the masses have been met. Another installment of “Rambo” is here. It’s Christmas morning and Stallone is your own personal HGH-pumping Santa Claus, doling out fourth installments to movies that should have ended after the first.

Merry Fucking Belated Christmas!

Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

How did this happen? Why did this happen? Who greenlit “Rambo 4″? Where did the financing come from? Can’t you just picture the Arab dude from “Entourage” cutting a check in his yacht to fund this flick? “Rambo has huge cock, yes?”

Was there even any funding? Did Sly break out the “Demolition Man” reserves to get this thing made? Can’t you also picture Stallone in the jungle directing a crew of Thai fisherman how to work cameras and lighting? Sly’s trailer made from bamboo, the extras calling him ruler.

We should have known better than to let ourselves feel that morsel of respect for the guy at the end of “Rocky Balboa”. We remember thinking, “Man, really decent job with the swan song, Sly. Your legacy is OK by us.”

And, now, roughly a year later, Stallone reminds us why the world would probably be a better place if he and Bridget Nielsen had disappeared into the Siberian wilderness after filming “Rocky IV”. Think about it:

• We still win the Cold War.
• Our last memories of Rocky are a victory over Ivan Drago.
• “Judge Dredd” AND “Driven” never get made.
• Bridget Nielsen never meets Flava Flav on “The Surreal Life”.
• They never get their own show that spawns “Flava of Love”.
• “I Love New York” never happens because New York, one of the top five worst people on the planet, never gains notoriety from being on Flava Flav’s show.
• VH1 doesn’t hit the ratings motherload by appealing to the lowest common denominator, inclining them to chock their channel full of Brett Michaels, D-List celebrities at fat camp, and Peter Brady (the lone exception being Scott Baio’s show, it rocks).
• We still get to catch “Behind the Music” a few times a week.
• IQ scores in America are not systematically retarded by overexposure to the world’s dumbest people on VH1.
• Major League Baseball probably doesn’t have a performance enhancing drug scandal right now, because Stallone never (hypothetically) introduces the Oakland A’s to anabolic steroids in the mid-80’s.

That’s right. That’s the reality we could all be experiencing had Sly and Bridget retreated to the Russian wilderness after “Rocky IV” and been mauled by a bear. The only negative we can think of is that the world would be deprived of “Tango and Cash”, which would be undeniably devastating, but hey, everything comes at a cost.

Previous Editions of PITFF:

• Philip Rivers
• Will Smith
• Cisco Adler
• Riley Giles
• Roger Clemens

“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s weekly expose on shitty people. Click here to check out the PITFF archives.

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