College Football Fan Reacts To Signing Day
February 5th, 2008 by NextRound
Tomorrow is college football’s signing day. The day where a recruit signs with the school he’ll spend the next three to five years representing on the field (unless he ends up ends up sucking or is stupid enough to get caught stealing stereo equipment).
No, I’m not nervous. I’m not one of these no-vag-getting losers that’s obsessed with recruiting. I’m too busy with my career to give a shit about the number of stars some geeks at a recruiting service assign an eighteen year-old kid. All I ask is that my school signs a solid crop of hard-working young men with good characters. And that they win football games.
Of course, I know enough to know my school’s star average WILL kick the shit out of your school’s. That’s a promise I can keep. We recruit nationally. You recruit regionally. My head coach could sell diaphragms at a nunnery. Your head coach sweats and makes people uncomfortable. Rest assured my coach will earn his seven figure contract tomorrow when he signs nothing but 4 and 5 star FUCKING STUDS at a rapid clip.
Sure, we’ve only got like ten kids “verbally” committed so far. I’m not worried though. All those gay verbals don’t mean shit. Tomorrow is where we make it happen. WE KNOW HOW TO FUCKING CLOSE. Tomorrow’s gonna be like grocery shopping on an empty stomach. Mmmm, mammoth left tackle committed to some crappy Big 10 school. That sounds good. We’ll take him. Geeee, freak wide receiver that thinks he wants to catch lame ducks from subpar ACC quarterbacks. Rethink that, pal. Time to sign with the big boys.
Oh, and that 5-star running back you think your school has locked up–the kid that’s regularly referred to as Bo Jackson but a better athlete–he’s signing with us tomorrow. Mark it down. He’s been silently committed to us since ‘05 and we’ve been mind-fucking you ever since.
What’s that you ask? Could we feasibly not sign the stable of kids I’m so confident about? Yeah, I guess. I once got a hummer from your mom, so anything’s possible. How would I react? Oh, I’d be fine. I’m a grown man. I’m too busy accepting raises to live and die by college football recruiting.
If things don’t go our way tomorrow it’s not like I’d call in sick the rest of the week. Swear. I’ve outgrown sending threatening and racially insensitive letters to recruits’ homes. Promise. I don’t already own multiple domain names that each reference what a pussy my head coach is. Purchasing those has never crossed my mind.
Yeah, tomorrow’s just another day for me. Nothing special. Just another personal day I take off from work where I start drinking at 10AM and endlessly monitor two TVs, five subscription websites, and my AM radio while pissing in a milk jug so I don’t miss anything. No big deal.
