Valentine’s Day is a sadistic holiday. That point we can all agree on.

But since in some form or other February 14th affects the lives of every single non-virgin in the continental U.S., here are 4 Rules to Valentine’s Day from your good buddies at NextRound.

We sincerely hope yours doesn’t overly suck.

RULE #1: Never Go Out to Dinner on February 14th

Valentine’s night is amateur night; a night where fat, ugly people everywhere come out from under Steak & Shake and have a white table cloth dinner. You do yourself a serious injustice by making reservations at an exclusive restaurant the one time a year you’re guaranteed to be treated like cattle.

How to Spin It: Tell her some garbage like you want the night to be just about the two of you.

RULE #2: Only If You’ve Known Her Over Six Months

If there’s even a remote chance you won’t remember the name of the chick you’re currently dating this time next year, don’t put yourself through the misery. “Celebrating” V-Day with some girl you’re not contractually or morally obligated to is just plain dumb.

All it will lead to is you spending money and her getting serious about the relationship at an accelerated clip. Even if you think it will get you laid, the damage you’ll incur usually isn’t worth the trade off. Explore more efficient options (i.e. escort services, massage parlors, sluttier accompaniment, etc.)

How to Spin it: Fake ignorance, injury, illness, business travel, or a death in your immediate family. Any solid lie should do.

RULE #3: Never Buy More than Dinner

Maybe flowers. But that’s a stretch. Because if this so-called holiday isn’t already brutal enough, it also presents a massive slippery slope.

You go buying your girlfriend/fiancee/wife a necklace this Valentine’s Day, all you’re doing is jump-starting a vicious cycle where you end up having to outdo the previous year’s gift every year going forward. (Note: Giving necklaces is another story, heh, heh.)

Do what’s right. Stomp the gift-giving notion out early. Keep things on a level playing field.

How to Spin it: Tell her the materialistic nature of the holiday sickens you and that you don’t want possessions to cheapen what you have together.

RULE #4: Don’t Skimp on Alcohol

Spend your cash on the only thing worthwhile: Booze.

You’re footing the bill, so why not go all out on the one thing that will not only increase the chances of her being down to do weird stuff later that evening, but is also something you get to enjoy as well.

Alcohol is just about the only thing we can get behind when it comes to this sham of a holiday.

How to Spin it: Pretend you know something about wine and order confidently. Chicks dig that. And never wait for the waiter to top her off. Take charge and do it yourself.

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