Yesterday, John Rocker emerged (presumably from either a meth lab or a quantum physics lecture) to inform an Atlanta radio station that “Bud Selig is a clown and should do the entire world a favor and kill himself,” while adding that he believes “between 40 to 50 percent of baseball players are on steroids…” [Source: FanHouse]

Riveting stuff, we know.

Now, you may be under the impression that the remarks of some dipshit meathead failed retired minor leaguer have no value to you. And that’s where you’d be wrong. John Rocker has important life lessons to teach us all. You just need to pay attention. Outside of steroid use and the eventual suicide of Major League Baseball’s commissioner, here are a few other topics where you’ll find Rocker’s opinion valuable:

Race Relations

Rocker Says: When the world thinks you’re a rascist homophobe, go right back at the world and date a manish black chick. They’ll never see it coming. That’ll teach them to judge your white ass.

Credibility

Rocker Says: When the world thinks you’re a goon, volunteer your intellectual side to them, preferably in public forums, with other respectable guests.

Getting Into the Entertainment Business

Rocker Says: When the world thinks you’re one-dimensional, show them that you’re actually an intriguing, complex individual, capable of adapting to any environment. I suggest you let your headshots do the talking. Worked for the J-Rock. (View results here and here)

Personal Style

Rocker Says: When the world thinks you’re a no-style-having hillbilly, give them a dose of hair and tight fashion shirts with a dash of more hair. Those three things will change your life.

Immigration

Rocker Says: This is still the fucking U. S. of A., right?

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