If your wife or girlfriend made dinner reservations and told you what to buy her for Valentine’s Day…

Then go ahead and accept the fact that your friends call you a pussy behind your back.

If you personally crafted any part of the Valentine’s gift for your significant other…

Then some of your relatives think you might be gay and you probably don’t know the difference between a 3-4 and a 4-3 defense.

If some 35 year-old single chick in your office is telling everyone she could have had Valentine’s plans but didn’t want to deal with the hassle…

Then she’s drinking herself to sleep tonight and is going to die alone.

If the menu at the restaurant you’re having dinner boasts giant fried onions and multiple locations within a thirty mile radius…

Then consider achieving the missionary position afterwards a MAJOR fucking accomplishment.

If you’re a closeted NFL quarterback and it was just reported you tried to fight gay dudes on New Years…

Then it’s going to be a really fucking lonely February 14th in Ohio.

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