Sylvester Stallone may go down as a misunderstood prophet. Mark my words.

The public at large (including myself) has found it easy to marginalize the actions of Frank Stallone’s less talented brother, but the sixty year-old body builder/star of “Rhinestone” has officially enlightened me to his way of thinking. All it took was for the 2008 version of “Rambo” to prove to be a tremendous return on investment for whatever drug lord financed it.

Now, I’m never doubting Stallone again.

That’s why I’m siding with him on the HGH debate. Count me on board as of this second. And ten years from now, when HGH is over the counter–just like Sly predicted–I plan to point to this column from Valentine’s Day 2008 (as well as my well-chiseled figure) as evidence to the world as to how fucking smart I am.

Highlights of Stallone’s Pioneering History:

1970: Porno. Sly knew the industry had legs and got in early (figuratively and literally).

1976: “Rocky”. No one wanted to make it and no one wanted Sly to star in it. The rest is history. A big F U to the movie biz. All the best screenplays are written in three days.

1979: Sequels. Sly handed Hollywood the blueprint for easy cash.

1987: Arm wrestling. With “Over the Top” Sly introduced the world to the best kept secret of alternative sporting.

2006-08: Old man action movies, HGH, McCain for Republican nominee.

If that track record doesn’t get you aboard the HGH express, you’re a lost cause.

Not me though. I’m all in. I personally can’t stop thinking about the improved state of this nation ten years from now when we’re all injecting HGH into each other. It’s going to be glorious. Think about it:

Every single person will be a more attractive version of them self. We’ll have to come up with a new term to expand on “Cougars” for all the hot octogenarian old ladies walking around. Off the top of my head I’m thinking “Sabertooths”.

Divorce rates will go down. Adultery will be a thing of the past. And I think I speak for every member of Team Cool & Tough when I say we’re excited about the prospect of decreased alimony payments and paternity suits in our future.

And of course…

A LEVEL PLAYING FIELD FOR ATHLETES. NO MORE CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS, NO MORE HALL OF FAME DEBATES, NO MORE HOUR LONG SPORTSCENTERS DEDICATED TO SOMETHING PEOPLE DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT, NO MORE ME DECIDING WHETHER TO DRIVE INTO A TELEPHONE POLL BECAUSE I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE TALK RADIO DISCUSSION ON PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS!

NO MORE COMPILING MENTAL LISTS OF OTHER THINGS ROGER CLEMENS HAS NEVER DONE:

• Ran a yellow light

• Masturbated

• Wished an old relative would just die already

• Masturbated in public

• Paid (not for sex but) just so the chick would leave afterwards

• Swam ten minutes after eating

• Cheated on a take home exam

• Pretended he was joking when he propositioned his wife on a threesome

The list goes on and on. And man am I tired. I want a change. Luckily for me Stallone’s line of thinking is my way out. Don’t argue with me about medical consequences. Doctors are all a bunch of quacks anyway. Aren’t they the same ones that said smoking and drinking is bad for you? What a bunch of horse shit.

I’m going to cryogenically freeze myself with Ted Williams. Wake me up in ten years when the general population is 30% more attractive than it is now and the single season home run record is somewhere around 145. That’s the world Sly and I want to live in.

Previous Relevant Irrelevance:

• The Tom Cruise Effect
• Prejudging the Holiday Movie Lineup
• An Open Invitation to Fight Justin Timberlake
• The “Saving Private Ryan” Effect
• Top 5 Crappy Superhero Movies…That Made Money

“Relevant Irrelevance” is Maske’s column dedicated to passing judgment and/or formulating theories on just about anything trivial.

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