A.K.A. Mr. Marissa Miller.

We would kill a relative to bang appreciate Marissa Miller as much as any other site out there (hence her being the thumbnail icon to Hump Day), but with all the SI swimsuit issue coverage she’s getting this week we figured writing about her would be overkill.

But then everything changed.

We knew she was married. We knew that much. We just never thought it was worth our time to research some dude so we could envy the shit out of him. Then this week some of our favorite sites (WWTDD, Tasty Booze, HCWDB) made us aware of the existence of Griffin Guess: the tool pictured to the right that you might have mistaken for Ryan Reynolds’s slow gay cousin.

We thought we had witnessed some crimes against humanity in our day, but Griffin Guess being the guy who gets to regularly bone Marissa Miller is the most egregious. If we find out he ever talked her into a threeway (the cool kind) we’ll probably have to off ourselves right then and there.

And what are we supposed to Guess anyway? Whether his hair is the lamest thing we’ve ever seen or the second lamest thing we’ve ever seen (this still coming in first place)? Whether there is a plausible explanation like this dude is a multi-billionaire? Whether Marissa is actually a robot he built? Whether he’s really into Vans or just thinks the t-shirt is super rad? Whether or not we can ever look at a picture like this the same again?

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

Griffin Guess’s PITFF Qualifications

Famous For: Being married to the most bonerific supermodel around.

Why That Sucks: Too many reasons to list. Regularly gets to see Marissa naked. She has most likely touched his penis. People refer to him as a “producer” even though his IMDb page looks like this and he probably just sits in Marissa’s basement playing Rock Band all day long.

Looks Like: Stewart Reynolds (Ryan’s aforementioned cousin).

Sounds Like: He’s permanently impersonating Jim Carrey’s character from “Cable Guy”.

Favorite Movie: “The Phantom Menace”

Favorite Band: Fall Out Boy

Favorite Athlete: Luke Walton

Other Chicks He’s Banged That Make Us Angry: No one that we’re aware of. But since this dude apparently either has a magical horse cock or shits diamond earrings, we’re guessing just about every chick on Hollywood Tuna’s sidebar.

Fun Facts:

• First made his hair look like an erect penis as a joke, but kept it because Marissa thinks it makes him look cool and tough.

• When Marissa’s on location for photo shoots he spends his time utterly dominating World of Warcraft.

• We read somewhere that he does some production work on “House”, but when we sent an email inquiry to Hugh Laurie, Hugh responded with “We only have one gay hairdresser, and that’s not him.”

Another Reason To Deliver a Kick to the Balls: He gets to reap additional perks from being married to Marissa Miller like attending ESPN Super Bowl parties (pictures here). No fucking way Guess had any idea who Bernard Hopkins is.

Yet Another Reason To Deliver a Kick to the Balls:

Now feel free to go and take your disdain out on the world.

Previous Editions of PITFF:

• Tyra Banks
• Reggie Bush
  
• Philip Rivers
• Will Smith
• Cisco Adler

“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s weekly expose on shitty people. Click here to check out the PITFF archives. Click here to email us a nominee.

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