Editor’s Note: Going forward we will dedicate “Case of the Mondays” to recapping the awesome and non-awesome aspects of the weekend that was.

What Was Awesome

Dwight Howard. The dude reached unforseen levels of awesomeness Saturday night.

Even when the slam dunk and three point contests collectively sucked balls for roughly a decade (dudes like Fred Jones and Desmond Mason were taking home the dunk trophy), Saturday night of All-Star weekend was still infinitely better than any other part of the televised festivities. And this past Saturday our boy Dwight Howard took the event to a new stratosphere while establishing himself as the one legitimate challenge to Lebron for NBA mega stardom. Dwight’s agent has to be walking around with a perma-erection.

And, as an added bonus, TNT’s coverage included Charles Barkley discussing pertinent topics like: what cranberry juice looks like without vodka in it; whether Kenny Smith is a certifiable asshole for taking bathroom breaks during the broadcast; how Karl Malone is the third best power forward of all-time behind himself and Tim Duncan; and how to pick winners (Howard and Kapono as locks in their respective competitions) when no one will take a bet with you because they think you have a gambling problem.

We’re currently mapping out our plan for Alabama residency by 2014 so we can vote for Chuck.

What Sucked

It took ACC refs three quarters of a season to call a fair game against Duke. And it’s not likely to happen again since the officiating crew went ridiculously overboard, fouling out Duke’s entire starting five (and a hideous cheerleader or two for good measure). Nice win for Wake Forest, but we’re certain the orally servicing of the Blue Devils continue for the remainder of the season. Any coincidence this officiating courtesy happened to be granted to the one team that had a devastating offseason? Or maybe Krzyzewski just told one of these zebras to go fuck his mother one to many times. [Awful Announcing]

Weekend Winners

Who went home and fucked the prom queen?

Ryan Newman. We don’t know dick about open-wheel racing–or really any racing that doesn’t involve greyhounds for that matter–but Ryan Newman won Daytona, and that’s apparently a big deal to a lot of people who are allowed to vote in this country. Newman’s victory was also a massive coup for newspaper editors across the country who’ve been sitting far too long on clever Seinfeld-related headlines. [Joe Sports Fan]

The Guys That Made “Jumper”. “Jumper” decisively won the box office this weekend, proving–sort of–that Hayden Christensen isn’t quite the cinematic cancer we often make him out to be. He’s more akin to a light brand of melanoma. [Variety]

Phil Mickelson. Hefty dominated a Tiger-less field at Riveria for his first ‘08 win. Tiger reacted by driving his Buick to the store for more KY jelly. [ESPN.com]

NBA Agents. Dwight Howard’s the new superstar, Hawks trade for Mike Bibby, Mavs sill plan to get Jason Kidd, some NBA teams still convinced Sheldon Williams is actually worth a damn. Success all around. [ESPN.com]

Weekend Losers

Who Talked About Doing Their Best?

Britton Colquitt. The youngest of the Tennessee punting Colquitts (11 of them by our count) managed to get a DUI, lose his football scholarship, and get suspended for five games next season. On top of that the dude’s name is still Britton. And you thought your weekend was rough. [WBIR.com via Busted Coverage]

Vin Baker. Self-proclaimed alcoholic and post player, Vin Baker, had his restaurant foreclosed on. Remember when this dude rocked in NBA Live ‘98? Weird. [The Day]

HD DVD Owners. At least you’ve purchased a nice stand for your Nintendo Game Cube. [Variety]

Suckers Who Have to Work on President’s Day.

Anyone Who Saw “Step Up 2: The Streets”. You know who you are. No explanation needed.

Who Partied the Hardest

Josh Beckett. No stories or actual evidence. But from this photo we’ve got to assume his offseason has been a fucking blast. [Deadspin]

Where Things Got Weird

Pepperdine. Where Pam Anderson and Kenny G. both showed up for a basketball game. No word on what happened to Hasselhoff’s tickets. [SportsbyBrooks]

Special Thanks To

All the Fanboys Out There. We asked you to make “Jumper” a success for the sake of Rachel Bilson’s career and you made it happen. You guys rock. Lap dances on us next time we see you guys.

Here’s to making it to next weekend.

“Case of the Mondays” is NextRound’s recap on the weekend that was.

Email This