The Academy Awards are Sunday night. And just like every year they create a predicament for the average dude. On the one hand, you like movies and it’s not like there’s anything else on TV that Sunday night. But on the other hand, you’d rather admit to your friends that your Ipod is loaded with Avril Lavigne tracks than have them find out you watch awards shows.

So once again we’re here to determine whether this is something you–a cool and tough member of society–can pull off, or if it’s something you have no shot getting away with, and therefore irrefutably lame. Let the analysis begin!

Unlike most subjects we cover in this segment, the Oscars aren’t cut and dry. Sure, it’s virtually impossible to not question your own sexuality if you watch the Oscars telecast from start to finish, but there are plenty of OK aspects along with the multitude of super gay ones. That’s why we’ve decided to break out what you can and can’t get away with in two convenient lists.

Note: The OK aspects are far more acceptable when you’ve got a chick with you. Then you can play it all off as “just compromising”. If you do any of the following solo, you’re pretty much a loser.

What You Can Get Away With:

• Seeing who wins the big categories (i.e. Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor)
• Watching the intro if the host is someone genuinely clever (i.e. John Stewart; i.e. not Whoopi Goldberg).
• Rooting for Javier Bardem because he was a raging badass in “No Country for Old Men”.
• Mercilessly tooling on Sean Penn for being a self-righteous douchebag whenever the camera pans over him.
• Vocalizing how awesome you think Jack Nicholson is every time the camera pans over him.
• Mentioning that you think Helen Mirren is kind of awesome for an old chick (evidenced here).
• Mentally ranking hot chicks on the D.C. 1-10 hotness scale (i.e. Charlize Theron a 17).

That’s pretty much it. Nothing you should be proud of, but nothing that deserves extreme ridicule either.

What Is Entirely Unacceptable:

• Attending any sort of social gathering to watch the Oscars (that includes you and your roommate on the couch together).
• Watching the red carpet show.
• Tivoing the broadcast.
• Passing on tickets to a sporting event to watch the awards show.
• Caring who wins categories like Best Costume and Best Art Direction.
• Booing the TV when the wrap-up music starts playing during someone’s acceptance speech.
• Discussing how talented some actor is.
• At any time claiming someone “got robbed”.
• Mentally ranking outfits on the “Queer Eye” 1-10 scale.

If you’re caught doing any of these things you deserve to be tormented by your friends until well after your own death.

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