Mindless Movies For Men (And Really Butchy Lesbians): “Underworld” Vs. “Resident Evil”
February 22nd, 2008 by Steve Irony
Steve Irony breaks down two of his favorite mindless movie franchises.
The Storylines
Take some Adderall and pay attention, this is going to be difficult to explain.
One movie has a hot chick with a Russian accent and super human powers wearing a tiny red dress and fighting zombie-like folks. The other movie has a hot vampire chick with a British accent wearing leather and fighting both vampires AND werewolves. SOOOO, there isn’t exactly a world of differences between the two outside of accents.
Off the cuff, I give the accent edge to “Underworld”. I have a special place for British ladies. Milla Jovovich’s Russian accent in the “Resident Evil” movies makes her sound like she should either be eating Oreos while playing Texas Hold’ Em or giving me a lap dance while telling me, “The America is so great.”
Advantage: “Underworld”
The Actresses
Milla Jovovich v. Kate Beckinsale.
These are two very attractive women, but I have to give the edge to Milla for not being scared to show some skin. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Beckinsale, especially that accent, but it’s nothing but full body leather in both movies. That’s all well and good, but after awhile it runs its course and I need a wardrobe change. Maybe some shorts and a tank top. Maybe she could hit the gym in her sports bra and spandex biking shorts. Maybe at some point she could put on one of those fancy dresses that brings out the cleavage. It’s not like she’s a method actress or anything.
Advantage: “Resident Evil”
Personal Note to Kate from Steve: Kate, have some fun out there. Lighten up. Relax. You’re a pretty lady. Use it while you have it. It doesn’t last forever and pretty soon you won’t be able to sleep your way into a Lifetime movie. Take a note from “The Life and Times of Diane Lane”. Make the most of your assets. You’ve got roughly four years before Rachael Bilson starts grabbing your roles.
Actress Career Potential
Beckinsale definitely has a leg up in the acting chops department. She’s feature film quality all the time.
Milla’s not scared to hop into a variety of roles, from “Married with Children” to “Dazed and Confused” to “The Fifth Element” to “Zoolander”. This tells me Milla doesn’t take herself too seriously and will go nude in a second if the amount of zeros is right. Those silly Ruskies.
Advantage: “Underworld”
Who Would Win in a Cat Fight?
Milla would punish Kate.
Let me lay it out for you fools: Milla is from the Ukraine, the former USSR. She may have moved to London when she was like 5, but she still had time to learn to shoot Vodka and beat animals.
Milla’s father was arrested in Cali when she was just a pup. Her mom raised her on her own and she raised her right seeing that Milla’s first career move was appearing on the cover of High Times in the UK at the age of 9. (I would love to take credit for that, but NO SHIT IT IS TRUE, check it out here .)
And then there is Kate, who is from London and was born into wealth. She likes to drink tea and would have her teeth kicked in if she tried to tussle with Milla.
Advantage: “Resident Evil”
Whose Watching These F-ing Movies?
Gamers and goth kids are leading the pack. They’re the reason these movies crush the box office. You know, goth kids like the chubby girl with the nose ring and a shit load of eyeliner, the one who wears weird clothes because it makes her “interesting”. When in fact, as we all know, giving out blowjobs would make her much more popular and interesting.
When to Watch These Movies?
If your girlfriend makes you go see “Atonement” then “pay it forward” with one of these gold nuggets. She will not ask you to see another one of her shitty movies again. It just won’t be worth the trade off. That’s the Steve Irony Guarantee.
And the Winner Is…
“UNDERWORLD”. Hands down. It’s pretty much “The Matrix” to all the trench coat goth folks. And even though Beckinsale is a stuck up snob who can’t even go sleeveless, I’ve got to admit, her battling werewolves is much more entertaining than Milla sparring with zombies.
Personal Note to Both Actresses from Steve: You two have to stop letting 11 year-old boys pick out your roles. You’re both very pretty AND foreign. Foreign is so in. And the accents give you an extra “something” that most actresses don’t have. Plus if you are able to drop the accent for a movie here and there (a la Nicole Kidman) people will think you’re really talented. They will say things like: “Wow. That girl isn’t just hot, but she’s also from another country. How in the world was she able to speak without her native accent AND do a nude scene at the same time?”
Sincerely,
Steven Irony
Previous Mindless Movies:
Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert. Enjoy his regular movie columns and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.
