We hand out superlatives for the weekend that was.

Achievements in Awesomeness

Tennessee v. Memphis. Rarely does a game this hyped, pitting #1 and #2 against each other, deliver like this one did. The feat is especially remarkable when you consider the prominent involvement of the state of Tennessee. Sure, it wasn’t always pretty, but we defy you to name a more intense game ever played in February.

As a result of the Vols victory:

• A school known predominately for Tee Martin and women’s basketball is the #1 college hoops team.
• Hetero man crushes on Bruce Pearl are at an all-time high.
• The vast majority of college basketball fans view free throw percentage to be more important than John Calipari does.
• The NBA is drooling over Derrick Rose.
• And we can all safely say we wouldn’t bone Priscilla Presley for less than five figures.

Redefining Suckiness

Klitschko v. Ibragimov. Outside of our boy JB being in attendance and spending his entire night attempting to let Osi Umenyiora know he thinks pooping on chicks is cool, this fight was about as satisfying as a calloused handjob.

Klitschko is Ukranian, which means he’s boring. Ibragimov is a Russian boxer who bears a striking resemblance to your office janitor, not so much Ivan Drago. The fight boiled down to Klitschko poking his way to a judges’ decision over a guy who’s entire arsenal consists of a 3AM haymaker.

And to top it off, prior to the main event, HBO aired a week old match instead of the undercard where John Duddy–big on heart, low on talent–managed a win despite having both eyes split open like fresh cantaloupes. First “John from Cincinnati” and now this? HBO, you’re officially on notice.

Weekend’s Big Winner

The Cohen Brothers. “No Country for Old Men” rightfully dominated the Oscars. Up next, the highly anticipated “Big Lebowski” sequel.

Weekend’s Unparalleled Loser

Kelvin Sampson. Name one person that has thrown away their entire life and future earning potential in a manner that didn’t involve drug use or lead to jail time faster than Kelvin Sampson. We’ll buy you a beer if you can think of one.

Silence the Critics

Darren McFadden. Your Grandma has even been cooling on Run DMC over the last two weeks, but then he goes and runs a 4.27 40 and TOTALLY redeems himself. Like we always tell the ladies, there’s something to be said about superior genetics.

We Respect the Shit Out of You

Rex Grossman. The photos of Bears GM Jerry Angelo in drag that Rex keeps in a safety deposit box next to the insurance policy for his right arm continues to pay dividends. Grossman v. Orton! The Windy City is just one giant rager this week.

The Box Office Award

Matthew Fox and Dennis Quaid. Despite the critics universally panning “Vantage Point”, the movie conquered the box office. Remember in 2001 when the name Matthew Fox translated to “Whatever happened to that dude from ‘Party of Five’?” and the name Dennis Quaid translated to “Whatever happened to that guy from ‘Innnerspace’ that Meg Ryan left so she could bone Russell Crowe?”. Nice rebounds.

Temper Your Erections

The Phoenix Suns. Got served by the Pistons. Steve Kerr just received our email with subject line: “SHAQ IS OLD”.

Weird Ways to Suck

John David Booty. Dude is getting killed at the combine for having baby hands. Who saw that coming? Just another victim of the masturbation side affect no one talks about.

Orthodox Ways to Suck

Lindsay Lohan. Swept the Razzies. And the remaining 50% of the country who hadn’t seen her naked, now has. Outlook: grim.

Partied the Hardest

The 23 year-old Baltimore kid who got blacked-out drunk and decided he was Jack Bauer in pursuit of a terrorist after he collided with another car on the interstate. Points for originality and dedication to staying in character.

Massive Dong Award

Tiger. Can we go ahead and start siphoning and storing the guy’s DNA already? Do enough people realize Kevin Federline has a substantially larger genetic footprint than Tiger Woods? Disturbing, we know.

Caucasian Dominance Award

The White Guys From Drake. By beating the white guys from Butler, they successfully laid claim to fundamental basketball on Saturday.

Lamest Reason to Have a Case of the Mondays

Appletini Overindulgence at Your Oscars Party. (Note: It’s a bit of an acquired taste, but Stuff White People Like has really grown on us.)

Where Things Got Weird

Timberlake’s Pad. Reports surfaced that he’s been dating Kate Hudson. WTF is this about? What happened to J. Biel? Why is the one guy on the planet who could slay more hot tail than the rest of us combined addicted to past-their-prime flat-chested subpar actresses? We’ve said it before, but we’re kicking him in the dick whenever we meet him.

Special Thanks To

Barack Obama for taking this picture.

And Barstool Sports for discovering the enigma that is Mr. Quick Draw (how we’re referring to him).

Here’s to making it to next weekend.

“Case of the Mondays” is NextRound’s recap and awards show for the weekend that was. Click here for previous editions.

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