Best Supporting Actress

Who Won: Some skinny foreign chick I wouldn’t hump with your dick.

Who Should Have Won: Megan Fox for “Transformers”. I had a not-Optimus-Prime-related boner for a week and a half after that scene where she’s looking under the hood of the Camaro. What more could you possibly ask for from a supporting actress?

Best Supporting Actor

Who Won: The Spanish dude with the Alabama frat boy haircut who killed everyone in “No Country for Old Men”. Doesn’t seem like too sucky of a choice, but I never saw the movie because they didn’t show it at the theater that serves beer.

Who Should Have Won: The kid who played McLovin in “Superbad”. He CARRIED that movie. Remember when he got punched when he was using the fake I.D.? Fucking hysterical. I’m still laughing. “Because I fucking rule!” Brilliant. Best acting job of the year. Hands down.

Best Actress

Who Won: Another foreign chick for some movie no one is ever going to see. Shit like this is why the Oscars suck balls. How can an actress be “best” at anything if she doesn’t at least have C-cups? Get fucking real.

Who Should Have Won: Jessica Alba for “Rise of the Silver Surfer”. Tough call since 2007 was fairly devoid of hot chicks in leading roles and the lameasses at NextRound won’t let me pick adult movie stars. But this movie would have been fucking terrible without Alba, and isn’t looking so hot that you make a shitty movie seem less shitty what female acting is all about?

Best Actor

Who Won: Daniel Day Lewis for “There Will Be Blood”. The guy can act. He was awesome at killing Indians in “Last of the Mohicans”. But I don’t see boring movies so I wouldn’t know shit about this one.

Who Should Have Won: Will Smith for “I Am Legend”. The guy is ALONE for like the entire movie. Any asshole can act with a bunch of people around. Try it when it’s just you, a bunch of zombies, and your dog. Tom Hanks should have won like three Oscars for making me think a volleyball was a person in “Cast Away”.

Best Picture

What Won: “No Country for Old Men”. Supposed to be good, but whatever. No fucking way it holds a candle to…

What Should Have Won: “300″. Best movie I’ve ever seen. It’s like “Gladiator” on steroids and five Jager Bombs deep. And don’t give me this shit about dudes running around in their underwear. They’re still decapitating people, right? You’re the homo, not me.

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