You’re at work. Your cell phone rings. It’s your draft junkie buddy.

You: Hey man. What’s up?

Your Draft Junkie Buddy: Did you see Joe Fucking Flacco out there today?! The kid is nails! We have got to make a run at him!

You: Who? I don’t know who you’re talking about. I’m about to head into this bullshit meeting, so…

YDJB: Joe Big Dick Flacco! 6′6″! 236! You know! He was the man at Delaware. He transferred there from Pitt. He’s been kill-ing-it at the combine. I think he could be a monster get for us in the second round.

You: Oh yeah. Rings a bell. Ha, Dave Wanndstedt’s mustache is funny. Isn’t Delaware the Division II school that plays in those poser Michigan helmets?

YDJB: It’s FCS, not Division II anymore, and you’re missing the fucking point, douchebag. Flacco’s got a rocket launcher for an arm and he’s gonna be a steal for us. Speaking of which, I think with we have a serious shot at Darren McFadden too now that his stock is dropping.

You: Don’t we have like the 20th pick? How the hell could we get McFadden?

YDJB: We can get McFadden because the word is his butt isn’t big enough for an NFL workload. And because he can’t keep his dick in his pants. All the scouts have downgraded him. Could fall right into our laps.

You: Ha, he must have heard condoms are only for sailors and gay dudes. But didn’t he run stupid fast the other day? Don’t get your hopes up. We’ll probably draft a safety or something. Seriously, I’ve got to get to this meeting.

YDJB: Could you even tell the difference between our depth chart and the fucking cocktail menu at Chili’s? We’re stacked at safety. You’re truly an asshole for calling yourself a fan.

You: Look, I would really like to get into this, but my boss is breathing…

YDJB: POP QUIZ! Who’s the top D lineman in the draft?!

You: Um, Glenn Dorsey, I guess.

YDJB: OK. That was a softball. But he may not be tops much longer if that fat boy keeps skipping workouts and blaming it on his Grandma dying. Don’t be surprised to see him falling down draft boards.

You: Wow. You have a lot of information. Your dick must be close to falling off with all the chicks offering to blow you after they hear you talking combine.

YDJB: Go fuck yourself. Seriously. Go fuck yourself. You’re going to feel like a complete dipshit when you don’t know who the hell we’re going after on draft day.

You: I think Mel Kiper will keep me informed. I DO know that Owen Schmitt has an awesome mohawk. That’s some pretty money inside information, don’t you think? Can I go now? As much as you don’t give a shit whether I get canned or not, I really have to get to this meeting. I’m still getting the stink eye from half the office for blowing off work on Signing Day.

YDJB: That’s because all your co-workers went to homo schools and rooted for the crew team. They all suck. Out loud. Tell them that for me. You should be watching NFL Network right now.

You: You’re watching NFL Network right now because you don’t have a job.

YDJB: Uhh, yeah. And it’s AWESOME.

You: You should probably send Rich Eisen flowers or something since you guys are dating.

YDJB: You probably should have lost your virginity in high school.

You: Touché. Call me if anything cool happens.

YDJB: Will do.

Click.

Thanks to Michael David Smith’s NFL Combine coverage at FanHouse. We stole just about every bit of legitimate info from him.

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