Awkward Conversations: Sean Salisbury And Trev Alberts
February 27th, 2008 by NextRound
Sean Salisbury is in his favorite recliner, sipping scotch in front of the fire, basking in his recent personal victory over ESPN. He decides he should call his friend and former ESPN colleague, Trev Alberts, to share in the triumph. Trev is also–coincidentally–at home, on a Wednesday.
Trev Alberts: (Cough) He-Hello.
Sean Salisbury: HEYYOOO!! Trev, good buddy! It’s me, Sean! The Steak! Have you heard the news?!
TA: News, what news? Is the company finally done with there infatuation with that guy from “The Bachelor”? Are they thinking about giving me another shot?
SS: Huh? Fuck no. What the fuck are you talking about? Oh, wait. I get it. Nice joke, man. Ha, ha. Jesse Palmer. “The Bachelor”. SOOO gay. They’re all so gay. I forgot how funny you are. Yeah, fuck ESPN.
TA: Oh. Yeah. Ha. Ha. What news are you talking about then?
SS: I got out, baby! Sean Salisbury told those dickless bastards to shove it where the sun don’t shine! Just like we always talked about. Just how you told me to do it. I followed your lead. And it was awesome man, awesome. I gave them the whole “Sean Salisbury is his own established brand” line and everything. It was beautiful. Surprised you haven’t read about it on the internet. The whole country is talking about what a big dick I’ve got.
TA: Yeah, well, I only have access to dial-up, and my laptop is like ten years old and runs real slow from all the adware it’s picked up downloading porn.
SS: Dial-up? Ancient laptops? Internet porn? What the hell are you talking about? Are you fucking with me again, Trev? You old dog, you! You know you can’t fool The Steak twice! Dial-up, my ass. We’re our own men, baby! Kings of the world! We can afford Apple Airbooks and mid-to-high range Asian prostitutes! Life is our oyster!
[Five second pause]
TA: Don’t want to suck the wind out of your sails Sean, but things have been a little bleak around here lately.
SS: Bleak? What the fuck are you talking about? You’re living the dream. You’re not under their thumb anymore. Not getting paid less than bonafide retards like Steve Young and Emmitt Smith.
TA: Listen pal, unless your definition of “living the dream” is doing Sodoku puzzles in your bathrobe at 11AM on a weekday, things aren’t going that well for me.
SS: But what about your CSTV gig and that thing with Sprint? I thought those were big boy deals. Really lucrative.
TA: I live in an extended stay motel. Only like two percent of the country gets CSTV. And none of them watch it. That Sprint thing was just a video podcast that I guilted my family members into watching.
SS: But, but, you were the Huskers quarterback. We’re quarterbacks. We both played in the league. There’s more out there for us.
TA: Sean, I’m sorry, but there really isn’t. All that garbage I used to feed you turned out to be just that, garbage. Guys like us kind of suck at life. I had plateaued at ESPN, but since I was such an asshole I’d failed to realize it. I was bullshit I wasn’t Kirk Herbstreit. And that I had to make conversation with Mark May everyday. But what I failed to realize is that I’ll never be Herbstreit, on TV or in the sack. And big retards like Mark May are who I should be discussing football with.
SS: Are you saying doing segments with John Clayton really isn’t that bad?
TA: Are you kidding me? That goofy elf is ten times better at his job than you were. You were lucky you weren’t getting extra cream for his coffee. You suck. It’s time to get your head around that.
[Another five second pause]
SS: Whatever, man. Whatever. What’s happened to you won’t happen to The Steak. I’m a Trojan. We’re winners. My future’s bright.
TA: Hey, dickhead, you showed a bunch of female co-workers your dong on a camera phone. That’s on top of you being a big turd who was lucky to be on television to begin with. I bet you’ve already done a newspaper interview where you talk shit about ESPN, haven’t you?
SS: Maybe.
TA: Yeah, you’re pretty much unemployable. You probably want to start your crawl back to Bristol right now.
SS: [Silent]
TA: Listen, Sean, it’s been good talking to you, but I’ve got a piping hot bowl of Ramen Noodles with my name on it and “Days” is just getting started. Sorry we didn’t get to have this conversation a couple of days ago.
SS: Yeah…OK…
TA: Later gator.
Click.
SS: I’ve made a huge mistake.
[Sources: Los Angeles Times via Deadspin]
Previous Editions of Awkward Conversations:
“Awkward Conversations” is the segment where NextRound makes up exchanges between famous and quasi-famous people. Click here for previous editions.
