Dr. Jekyll’s back for the second installment of my public service announcement outlining critters that no one wants to wake up with. I hope last time made at least a slight impact on your decision making when it comes to double bagging your groceries.

Today, we’ll finish what we started by going over the Sammy Sosas of STDs. The ones that just won’t quit. That’s right folks, this second installment is dedicated to the “Woke Up with This Tattoo” category. It features two STDs that will continue to rear their ugly heads throughout adulthood and your married life (but hopefully you won’t be married to the same chick who gave you el permanente).

Once again, I’ll give you the good, the bad, and the ugly of each. Power Rankings included. AIDs is a 10 out of 10 if that helps as a point of reference.

“Woke Up with This Tattoo”

Genital Warts and Herpes

How To Avoid Catching Them: It’s arguable whether these bad boys are contagious while dormant in the person you’re looking to bump uglies with. But for our discussion, we’ll focus on the facts. No matter how drunk you are, if you inspect the field before playing ball, you should be in good shape. That doesn’t mean you have to take a up close examination (unless you’re into that sort of thing), just don’t rough shot blindly. I’d suggest you warm up the car manually and if you notice any serious bumps get the hell out of there. These diseases are not easily treatable and if you catch one your chances of shagging something decent or disease-free in the future will be completely dependent on your immune system and/or your Valtrex prescription.

1. Genital Warts (Human Papilloma Virus) - 2 out of 10

These guys look nasty, and can get seriously out of hand. However, their bark is much worse than their bite.

The Good News: Only passed by skin to skin contact. Have the potential to go away and never come back. Painless.

The Bad News: Removal can be painful. We’re talking freezing them off or burning them off with lasers. The bullshit sold over the internet doesn’t work, playa. So don’t go banking on that. They may return, especially when the immune system is under extreme stress. You can also get them orally, which is really fucking gross.

The Ugly News: Seriously disturbing when in full outbreak. Can take over the whole anal scene like a rapper and his entourage. May change your reputation, forever, even after they’ve come and gone. Once someone hears your name and Genital Warts in the same sentence there really is no going back.

2. Herpes (HSV) - 7 out of 10

Imagine a 13 year-old’s face on your crotch, then imagine every single one of those pimples is popped, bleeding, and oozing all over the place. Painful, in more ways than one.

The Good News: Only passed by skin to skin contact. Valtrex is available and will be your best friend when it comes to outbreaks.

The Bad News: Valtrex is also the bad news. Herpes always comes back and when it does its painful. You have to take Valtrex or another anti-viral constantly to keep the brush fire down. Or else.

The Ugly News: Also seriously disturbing when in a full outbreak. Can take over the whole downstairs scene like a bunch of Jersey kids at a spray tan booth. Will change your reputation, forever, and unlike genital warts these cause pain. You will always have Herpes and one day your grandkids will put together that Grandpa takes Valtrex so that Grandma can sleep in the same bed as him. If that doesn’t scare you straight, nothing will.

Previous Columns by Dr. Jekyll:

• Guide to Everyday STDs: Part I
• Ode To The Handy

Dr. Jekyll is Team Cool & Tough’s resident M.D. His regular columns range from dispensing valuable medical knowledge to discouraging the perpetuation of handjobs. Enjoy.

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