Until recently I only quietly hoped Hugh Hefner would die in the near future. It wasn’t keeping a secret or anything. If I found myself in a “the world would be a better place” conversation I wouldn’t deny my position on rooting for the demise of Hef. I just wasn’t so convicted that I felt the need to pitch the point to all who would listen.

Well now I do.

Over the last few months numerous things have occurred that–in addition to my already well established reasons–have persuaded me to openly lobby for the guy to expire. Or at the very least for him to pull a Johnny Carson and pretty much pretend he’s dead for the last few years of his life.

A person in Hef’s position has to realize that in your 80’s your finest “creative” days are behind you. The problem is that Hef is just too fucking old and senile to comprehend that it’s not humanly possible for him to have “it” anymore. It’s that vicious cycle that has led to the marginalization of everything Playboy.

Here’s a rundown of recent occurrences that have made Playboy completely irrelevant.

“The Girls Next Door”. There’s no arguing that the show is entertaining. It’s un-American to dislike anything that prominently features hot blonde chicks with below average intelligence. But this show has done irreparable damage to the Playboy mystique. Too much information. Too much of everyone associated with Playboy coming off as less-than-ordinary people. And way too much of…

Hef Being Senile and Super Creepy. It’s a bit difficult to respect someone and the “hip” product he produces when you’re pretty sure the same guy flung poop at you the last time you visited your Grandma in the nursing home. I’m no expert, but there may be a correlation between being an octogenarian and…

Being Incapable of Recognizing What’s Cool in Society. Mistaking notoriety for coolness is the number one sign that you’re well behind the cutting edge. The following are things Playboy has recently done to showcase their cluelessness:

• Openly lobbying for Lindsay Lohan to pose for the magazine even though every person who would care to see her naked already has and she’s currently on the bullet train to irrelevance.

• Same as previous point except replace “Openly lobbying for Lindsay Lohan to” with “Having Kim Kardashian”.

• Introducing a Playboy branded energy drink despite the energy drink craze plateauing in the earlier part of the decade.

• Hef making a play for the Olsen twins in the magazine when a quarterly edition of “Girls of the (insert collegiate athletic conference here)” is what his core demo is begging for, not twin skeletons.

• Introducing a Playboy branded social network in 2008, instead of the appropriate time: 2004.

Remember when Playboy was cool and contrarian and on point? Nowadays you can make the argument that Maxim is light years ahead of Playboy in those categories. And that’s really not saying much.

I guess if there’s one party who should really shoulder all the blame it’s the pharmaceutical industry. Hef was planning on riding into the sunset until a little blue pill made him feel young again. And as a direct result Playboy no longer matters, guys like Andy Dick have replaced James Caan in the mansion, the stock trades at $8, we’ve seen Chyna naked, and Brett Ratner gets to direct more crappy movies.

Hef, it’s about time you did us all a favor.

[Leaping High Five to: JB for making a lot of these points recently.]

[Sources: Contact Music, Hollywoodtuna, CNN, Techcrunch, Variety]

Previous Relevant Irrelevance:

• HGH and the Genius That Is Stallone
• The Tom Cruise Effect
• Prejudging the Holiday Movie Lineup
• An Open Invitation to Fight Justin Timberlake
• The “Saving Private Ryan” Effect

“Relevant Irrelevance” is Maske’s column dedicated to passing judgment and/or formulating theories on just about anything trivial.

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