We hand out superlatives for the weekend that was.

Achievements in Awesomeness

Kobe Bryant. Over a rather non-eventful weekend, Kobe went for 52, single-handily beat the Mavericks in overtime, and re-established himself as the league’s best player. All of this while his finger is falling off. Avery Johnson said it best after the game: “We gave him a single look, then we double-teamed him, then we gave him a triple-team and he split the triple-team and scored.”

Sure, Kobe’s a reclusive weirdo who lacks media savvy and married his girlfriend the day she graduated high school, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to respect what he does on the court!

Redefining Suckiness

Coach K’s 800th Win. We have no beef with what Mike Krzyzewski has accomplished at Duke. Anyone who can establish a premier basketball program at a small private school in Durham comprised primarily of Asian females deserves some accolades.

What sucks is the media treatment (continual sloppy head), Krzyzewski’s hardwood hypocrisy (best mocked here), and Duke consistently winning games in decisively shady fashion, getting calls like the one DeMarcus Nelson got in closing out the 800th win. WTF is a hook?

Weekend’s Big Winner

Asante Samuel. Six years, 57 Million, 20 Mil guaranteed. Holy fuck. Does this guy play both ways? Can he also fly the team jet? Are there some “organizational synergies” Asante offers the Eagles we’re not aware of. The crazy part is, most NFL observers thought he’d get more.

Weekend’s Unparalleled Loser

Brady Quinn. BQ went from thinking the Browns would let Derek Anderson walk and hand him the starting job to an offseason battle with Ken Dorsey for most closeted backup quarterback the Browns’ #2 job.

Didn’t See This Coming

Tyson v. Holyfield III. This might actually happen. Wow. We’ve already decided we’re watching. Because unlike most shitty heavyweight fights, this one features TWO washed up forty year-olds, not just one. By our logic, that’s an even playing field.

We Respect the Shit Out of You

Jason Kidd. Not only does the guy stir up a lot of buzz for himself by participating in splashy trades despite being hopelessly past his basketball-playing prime, he also knocks up smoking hot chicks who are sure to ruin his life roughly three months after getting rid of the last one who ruined his life. Bravo, Mr. Kidd. Bravo.

Her name’s Hope Dworaczyk. A son may or may not have a ginormous melon like Jason’s other spawn.

The Box Office Award

“Semi-Pro”. Kind of. Yeah, it’s #1 in the box office, but 15.3 Mil has to be slightly less of a weekend pull than the studio anticipated when they had Will Ferrell go to door to door as Jackie Moon and ask people to see the movie. What, they didn’t do that? Are you sure? Seemed like the next logical step. (More on this later.)

Temper Your Erections

“The Sopranos” Return. You may see headlines over the next few weeks that “Sopranos” cast members are clamoring for another season or a movie. Shortly after you’ll be disappointed to find out that it’s the old dude who played Junior and Lorraine Bracco doing the clamoring. Bracco’s starting to look like she’s doing her best Kathleen Turner impersonation, so we doubt she gets final say in the matter.

Weird Ways to Suck

Matt Hasselbeck. Somehow the starting quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks thought it was a good PR move to sign mattresses at a local IKEA over the weekend. Doesn’t this guy have national campaigns (Campbell’s, State Farm) and a sister-in-law on daytime television? Why is he pretending he’s Rod Tidwell?

Orthodox Ways to Suck

Being French. The chick who just won Best Actress for some movie no one will ever see claims in a new interview that she’s pretty sure 9/11 was staged. That it was a convenient way to get rid of two old buildings. Fucking French. We’re pretty sure her and her unkempt downstairs should stick with awkwardly filmed sex scenes (NSFW) and lay off the foreign relations.

Best Random Video

Japanese Game Show Spoof of We Are the World. The dude impersonating the Boss is incredible. [Source: CO-ED]

Partied the Hardest

Ben Roethlisberger. Spotted downing Red Bull Vodkas and pinching bunny tales at the Playboy Club in the Palms all while his new monster deal is getting finalized. Anyone else pretty sure the only casino game Big Ben can get his head around is roulette?

Caucasian Dominance Award

The Cornell Big Red. Clinched first Ivy League B-Ball title in 20 years. Translation: A whole year’s worth of bragging rights over other boring assholes!

Where Things Got Weird

At a Male Model Volleyball Tournament in Miami. Where T.O. Was the Judge. Yeah, read that again. Terrell Owens spent his weekend judging a bunch of male models playing volleyball, panned them all, and then openly talked about getting into the modeling industry himself. How did this get organized? Who’s gayer, T.O. or the dudes playing volleyball? WTF did they need a judge for?

Special Thanks To

Busted Coverage for compiling a 50 Best Spring Break Photos post.

And Kansas Fans for making this sign:

Here’s to making it to next weekend.

“Case of the Mondays” is NextRound’s recap and awards show for the weekend that was. Click here for previous editions.

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