Dear Mr. Ferrell,

We write this letter with your–and our–best interests in mind.

Go away for awhile. Please. Go the fuck away. Disa-fucking-pear. Pull your best Tom Beringer. You’re rich. Buy some remote island. Go house sit in Mexico for the Girls Gone Wild dude. He’s not going anywhere. You have kids, right? Spend some time with them. Do some nameless charity work. Check yourself into rehab. Take up chainsaw art. Just do anything that gets you off our TV and out of our theaters.

“Semi-Pro” bombed on a weekend where it had no major sporting event to compete with. There’s a reason for that. It’s the same reason George Costanza invented the “Leave ‘Em Wanting More” doctrine. Overexposure is an executioner, especially to people in your business. That’s why you have to go away. That’s why you have to disappear right now. In order to salvage your career. So we remember you the way we should. If you don’t you are guaranteed to cross over the “Ben Stiller Threshold”, where audiences will be so tired of you and your played out routine you’ll be done for.

It may already be too late. The “Semi-Pro” promotions were so sweeping and ludicrous you may have already sealed your fate. Bud Light commercials, Old Spice Commercials, your face plastered all over the NBA All-Star game, the swimsuit spread in SI, a horse game with Bill Walton? Geezus, we’re pretty sure the condoms we didn’t buy at the convenience store the other day were even endorsed by Jackie Moon.

We haven’t given up on you just yet, though. If you abide by the following five prong plan it may be just enough to salvage your relevance. But if you continue on your current path then you’re destined to follow in the footsteps of Stiller and Sandler.

1) Go the fuck away (covered above).

2) Shut down FunnyOrDie.com. Or at least turn it over to new management and insist they make it funny.

3) Shelve the movie “Step Brothers”. Do not release it later this year as planned. From there you can burn it, release it in 2011, or hand it over to Jessica Simpson’s dad so he can ensure it goes straight to DVD and no one ever sees it. Whatever you do, do not let it hit theaters in the next 18 months.

4) Reemerge in mid-2009 in a supporting role in some quirky comedy. Something that will get you noticed, but not have the “Will Ferrell” feel (i.e. the eternally underrated “Drowning Mona”). Think: Golden Globes nomination.

5) Do one movie a year for the rest of your life. Switch off between your standard fare and something out of your comfort zone. This formula is sure-fire.

The best way to get your head around what’s currently happening to you is to think of yourself as that chick with the flawless body and killer personality you were once infatuated with. Or at least you thought you were infatuated with until the two of you moved in together and you realized wonder bras and ass-lifting jeans are miracle workers that make annoyingly opinionated people seem genuinely interesting.

That’s the current state of your career. If you pack up your things and move out unexpectedly, audiences may dig you again. But if you continue on the path you’re on it’s going to lead to frustration, and resentment, and us calling you a whore.

We’re rooting for you. Do the right thing.

Sincerely,

Your Friends at NextRound

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