You’re at work. Your email starts blowing up. It’s your NFL Addict Buddy.

From: donkeyballs@nfladdict.com

To: you@bigbrother.com

Subject: brad childress has a weird mustache

yo. whats up. can you believe the vikes paid bernard berrian 42 mil? theyre retarded. that guy disappears in games faster than me when the check arrives. they should just line up peterson at WR and QB.

saw this awesome hayden panettierre nip slip today. click here to check it out.

[thirty minutes pass]

From: you@bigbrother.com

To: donkeyballs@nfladdict.com

Subject: RE: brad childress has a weird mustache

I haven’t seen anything on free agents. They block all the sports sites at work. Sucks.

You’re gay for googling Lance Bass.

[four minutes pass]

From: donkeyballs@nfladdict.com

To: you@bigbrother.com

Subject: the matt millen challenge

youre a perv and a dork for wanting that chick from heroes to sit on your face.

and youre gay for thinking lance bass has nice eyes.

i forgot you work for those souless fucking nazis. its your god given right to check sports on the internet whenever you want. its not like you wouldnt find some intern to hit on (probably some dude) with you free time anyway. you should sue their asses. quit, then sue.

ill recap the free agent movements for you. then you can come back at me with your reactions. then we’ll determine which one of us is smarter than matt millen.

here we go. bullet points bitch:

• derek “horse cock” anderson signed a big deal and brady quinn went home and cried on his big gay pillow.

• asante samuel is the luckiest fucker alive and capitalized on prime market conditions for corners (i know that b/c I majored in econ).

• the browns also signed donte stallworthless to a 7 yr deal and signed some d-linemen. i think theyre trying to pretend theyre not in cleveland and jim brown is still alive with all the moves theyre making.

• the jets traded for kris jenkins and are keeping their fingers crossed that he thinks its 2003. they also traded your boy vilma to n.o. maybe he can bitch slap reggie bush into gear.

• broncos cut javon walker. remember that time my fantasy squad beat yours by like 1 million points when favre and walker went off for 30 tds against the colts?

• john old balls lynch is battling zach thomas to the death for oldest white dude in the league. lynch = still with broncos. thomas = saints. not sure if jason taylor is still banging zachs sister, but i do know he should make a run at that hot piece edyta on dwts.

• the bucs signed brian griese, now all gruden needs is to lure kenny stabler out of retirement to meet his decrepit qb quota.

anything i missed?

[twenty minutes pass]

From: you@bigbrother.com

To: donkeyballs@nfladdict.com

Subject: RE: the matt millen challenge

You missed that Jim Brown is still alive. James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, is the one who died. I guess that makes me the winner of the Matt Millen Challenge. Does that mean you buy me a beer for once?

Oh, and not only is my internet blocked, but my email is filtered, so do me a favor and lay off phrases like “soulless fu@king nazis” and “horse c0ck” going forward.

Did my boy Billy Volek sign anywhere? He’s my fantasy sleeper if he goes to somewhere like Minnesota.

You’re gay for abbreviating Dancing with the Stars and for thinking Jason Taylor is hotter than the chick he’s dancing with.

[two minutes pass]

From: donkeyballs@nfladdict.com

To: you@bigbrother.com

Subject: jim brown died in the 80s

someone who is gay for volek waives the right to joke on others.

billy “swinging dick” volek re-signed with the chargers. philip rivers must not have won over the front office when he challenged indy fans to a keystone drinking contest in the playoffs.

ill hit you up if anything good happens. or if i find anymore money l. bass shots for you.

[one hour passes]

From: you@bigbrother.com

To: donkeyballs@nfladdict.com

Subject: RE: jim brown died in the 80s

Feel free not to.

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