Monday afternoon I settled in on the couch to watch PTI when I heard something that made the french fries fall freely from my mouth. The Steelers signed Ben Roethlisberger for over 100 million dollars.

The thought of that guy being worth nine figures made me so sick that I almost didn’t eat my nuggets. “Almost” being the operable word in that sentence.

I think the Roethlisberger contract is a terrible decision by the Steelers for many reasons, but I’ll start with the most obvious: the guy is about as smart as a bag of wrenches. I’m pretty sure he would have stuck around for a one year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club. (Speaking of “Christmas Vacation”, I’ll save my Roethlisberger/Cousin Eddie comparative article for a later date.)

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think Big Braindead is a terrible quarterback by any means. I’m just pretty sure that with the Steelers style of play they could have signed a number of guys to lead their offensive attack for a lot less coin.

Not to mention the AFC and Super Bowl go through New England and Indianapolis, and as long as Brady and Manning are around the Steelers are going to be spending a lot of greenbacks to finish somewhere between 3^rd place in the AFC and just missing the playoffs. As a matter of fact, I predict the Steelers miss the playoffs next year. I LOVE the Browns to get over the hump and take down the AFC North in 2008.

Speaking of Cleveland, how much do you love Donte Stallworth to the Browns? He’s the perfect compliment to Braylon Edwards and may help make Derek “Horse Cock” Anderson look even better next year. The guy is a flat out dominant number 2 wider receiver. He made a name for himself across from Joe Horn and had a solid season last year across from Moss.

And speaking of Randy Moss, you have to respect the Patriots’ willingness to finally pay one of their superstars (even if it’s not as much as many thought it would be). It only took Moss having the greatest season in the history of wide receivers to squeeze a few extra nickels out of Bobby Kraft’s tubby ass.

So while Big Braindead is the big winner of free agency, Michal Turner is the big loser. Turner should have given Lamont Jordan a phone call and discussed Jordan’s “big move” to the Raiders before he decided he wanted to be the #1 guy for the Falcons. Turner just signed up to run behind an offensive line that has about as much skill and toughness as Braindead has ability to steer motorcycles.

You know who else Michael Turner should have gone to for advice? Jim Sorgi and Matt Cassel, Manning and Brady’s respective backups. Do you think either of these guys are going to give up their spots on the bench? Sorgi makes 850K a year to watch Peyton Manning wave off his play calls and then throw touchdowns. He doesn’t even have to stand outside. At least Cassel has to brave the cold for his 435K.

Does Michael Turner realize how hard I’m trying to figure out a way to get paid for doing nothing? What is Turner’s deal? Is he un-American? Isn’t the American Dream to have enough money that you don’t have to do anything? So you can just sit around and watch game shows while surfing for porn? The dude is about to throw all that away to commit career suicide in Atlanta.

Alright everyone, it is time for me to take down my McFlurry. I’ll catch you next week.

Previous Editions of Turf Toe:

• Hansbrough Eats Dong
• How Shaq and Tim Almost Ruined the NBA
• Super Bowl Prop Bet Extravaganza
• NFL Water Cooler Prep
• Fixing Mid-Major Bowl Tie-Ins

“Wicked Case of Turf Toe” is Booth’s weekly column dedicated to passing judgment on the world of sports. Click here for the archives.

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