In all seriousness, the Patrick Swayze having cancer news sucks ass. We hate it for the guy. And we’re pulling for him.

Seeing that Swayze’s movies and characters had a lot of say in our formidable years, we’re going to commemorate the guy the best way we know how: by using an arbitrary list to mock him just a little bit.

5) Truman Gates…“Next of Kin”. “Next of Kin” would have probably been just as good under it’s original working title, “Road House 2: The Sequel”. Truman Gates isn’t quite the loner James Dalton is, but revenge is in order, and you know Swayze is the man to deliver.

Like many Swayze’s roles, this one is also important because Swayze used his own personal awesomeness to pretty much launch the careers of co-stars Liam Neeson, Helen Hunt, Bill Paxon, and Ben Stiller.

4) Jed…“Red Dawn”. Ah, “Red Dawn”, the movie that convinced a generation of teenagers they could single-handily win the Cold War if need be. This flick is a lot of what you’d expect it would be: Swayze teaching the pinkos a big fucking lesson for landing on his football field and taking over his home town.Note that Swayze personally launches the careers of Charlie Sheen and Lea Thompson here.

3) Darry Curtis…“The Outsiders”. Who the hell else would have been the leader of the Greasers? The Socs get taught a serious fucking lesson by Darry in the rumble. Great, complex role for Swayze, because not only is he uber tough, but he’s also a father figure to the rest of the gang.

The Swayze Factor (i.e. launching the careers of other actors) started with “The Outsiders” as Swayze inspired Tom Cruise, Matt Dillon, Rob Lowe, C. Thomas Howell, Emilio Estevez, and the indomitable Ralph Macchio to strive for greatness. Think of how many of your favorite 80’s movies wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for Swayze’s guidance on the set of “The Outsiders”.

2) James Dalton…“Road House”. You probably thought this would be numero uno, huh? It’s easy to argue Dalton is Swayze’s defining role. “Road House” and “Top Gun” are neck and neck for the title of All-Time Best Bad Movie as far as we’re concerned. We’d actually give the nod to “Road House” due to the Kelly Lynch nude scene.

Dalton and “Road House” pretty much taught us to be men. We would have never taken up shirtless karate had it not been for this movie.

But as tough as it is to choose, Swayze’s best role was…

1) Bodhi…“Point Break”. Bodhi gets the edge for many reasons: “Point Break” is arguably the last relevant movie Swayze made; Bodhi was the most complex character Swayze ever played; Swayze had to act from behind a Reagan mask; and Swayze’s swan song was launching the career of his protege, Keanu Reeves.

Johnny Utah allowing Bodhi to catch one final wave is probably the most powerful thing we’ve ever seen in any film ever. It’s a real shame that Lori Petty was so hideous in this flick because it would have probably been a Best Picture contender otherwise.

Editor’s Note: As far as NextRound is concerned “Ghost” and “Dirty Dancing” were never made. And even though this wasn’t a movie role, Swayze participated in one of the top ten SNL skits of all time.

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