This season’s Miami Heat team is becoming increasingly irrelevant by the day, so Pat Riley is intimating that he may spend a good portion of the remainder of the season scouting talent instead of of coaching since the Heat are going to have a whole bucket full of ping pong balls representing them come lottery time.

To put it in layman’s terms, the Heat suck ginormous balls and instead of watching them flame on, Pat Riley is using “scouting talent” (which can be translated several different ways) as a convenient excuse to take a sabbatical and attend the tremendousness that is March Madness.

If you sit back and think about it the plan is really fucking brilliant, something we can all learn a valuable lesson from. That lesson being THE ART OF MAKING SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO SOUND LIKE SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO DO.

The Riley Formula:

A) Identify what you don’t want to do. Ex: Coach a craptastic NBA team.

B) Identify what you do want to do. Ex: Watch the NCAA tournament and eye-molest college cheerleaders in person.

C) Convince everyone B is the more undesirable of A and B, then volunteer yourself to do the undesirable thing under the guise of “taking one for the team”. Ex: “I’m a coach. It pains me not be on the sideline. I want to be there more than anything, but I have to do what’s best for the team.”

(Note: Formula also applicable to couples’ showers, date movies, and dinner with in-laws.)

Man, Pat, we respect the shit out of you. We bet you’re totally going to bang a bunch of high class escorts when you’re on the road too. Awesome.[Source: FanHouse]

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