Punch In The Face Friday: Spencer Pratt
March 7th, 2008 by NextRound
We stumbled upon this Holy Taco post yesterday. It outlines Spencer Pratt’s plans to write an autobiography. You know, because he’s 25 and wildly successful and super relevant, and that’s what people in his position do.
Once we got done admonishing the publishing industry, and imagining what a chapter size pictorial on “Unrelenting Douchebaggery” would look like, and cursing ourselves for knowing way to much about some dude named Spencer, it suddenly dawned on us that we’ve never dedicated a Friday morning to mocking Spencer Pratt–the one ass clown PITFF was seemingly designed for. And that is obviously a big fucking shame.
So, to celebrate the site’s new look, we’d like to hammer home for you what a colossal turd sandwich Spencer Pratt is. Feel free to guiltlessly wish a violent death upon him. It’s not a sin or anything when someone is this terrible. We looked it up.
Spencer Pratt’s PITFF Qualifications
Famous For: Having rich parents. Having rich friends. Accomplishing the staggering feat of making “The Hills” even more unwatchable. Talking Heidi Montag into an awesome set of fakies. Being a comically large douchebag.
Why That Sucks: We all know why that sucks. This guy might be the biggest no talent retard waste of space to ever walk the planet. That’s no exaggeration. And yet, here we are, writing about him because he’s a legitimate D-list celebrity.
Current Occupation: Heidi Montag’s talent manager, which is a bit of an oxymoron since she’s devoid of talent from the neck up. The gig pretty much entails Spencer taping Heidi’s music videos via a 1991 Sony camcorder and rocking her tracks 80’s boombox style in inappropriate settings:
His Other Dipshit Business Ventures That Are Sure to Fail Include:
- The Heidi and Spencer video game
- The Spencer Pratt Autobiography
- Being Brody Jenner’s Agent
- The Heidi/Britney Duet
- The Heidi and Spencer energy drink
- “Newlyweds: The Sequel, Now With Even Less Talent”
- Spencer Pratt Motivational Tapes and Lecture Series, “How to Achieve Moderate Fame When You Suck at Everything”.
Business Ventures That Would Definitely Succeed:
- Heidi in porn.
The Guy Constantly Looks Like: He just squeezed off the most satisfying shit of his life.
High School Superlative: Most Likely to Be Universally Disliked by Everyone
Nickname He Tried to Get to Stick: “Spencer for Hire”. The guy spent close to six months referring to himself as “Spencer for Hire” in third person. Sadly, it just wouldn’t take.
Favorite Movie: “The Chronicles of Riddick”
Favorite Band: None. Outside of Heidi’s music, Spencer listens exclusively to underground hip hop.
Favorite Team: The Yankees
More Reasons to Hate: He’s probably talked her into anal by now.
Even More Celebrities That Like to Party with Spencer for Hire: Mary Kate Olsen.
Fun Facts:
- Not only was Spencer behind the LC sex tape rumors, but he’s also the person who decided that frequently referencing LC’s “beef curtains” was the only way to sell the authenticity of the tape. Pretty much hands down the only awesome thing the guy has ever done.
- Spencer has the uncanny ability to make dudes like Brody Jenner seem like they would be alright to hang out with.
- Spencer regularly acknowledges his long-term career goal is to be considered “The White Puff Daddy”.
- Heidi’s new front court is impressive, but Spencer’s calf implants are the real medical accomplishment.
We Can Only Hope: Spencer has a moment of clarity in his forties and realizes what a debilitating douchebag he’s been his entire life.
Now feel free to go out and punch a stranger.
Previous Editions of PITFF:
“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s weekly exposé on shitty people. Click here to check out the PITFF archives. Click here to email us a nominee.
