The conference tournaments (that matter) start this week and from there it’s bracket time. All of a sudden you think you might be feeling the madness. Here are the top five ways to know:

5) You Were Rooting for Both Teams to Lose on Saturday Night

You watched the Duke/North Carolina game. You saw the loser in the speedo. You listened to Vitale and could have sworn he was being orally serviced “Swordfish”-style. And while you aren’t soulless and you didn’t pray for a carpet bomb to go off, you rooted for the game to end in a tie and for both starting lineups to be outed via jumbotron at halftime.

4) Taking 500 Bucks Off the Humps in Your Office Is Starting to Sound Pretty Good

Half the dudes in your office are annoying in general and flat out insufferable when it comes to sports. The other half are just really fucking boring. You came in second in the office pool to an Ohio State fan last year and now it’s time for you to have your vengeance.

3) Joe Lunardi Isn’t as Nauseating as He Was a Month Ago

Joe Lunardi is pale and pudgy and looks like he hasn’t been taking full advantage of ESPN’s dental plan. So when you see, hear, or read him the other eleven months of the year when you don’t give a shit about college basketball it’s a little unsettling. Not in March though. This month Lunardi is a golden prince handing out pearls of wisdom to the peasants.

2) You Want to Know Who the Fuck Michael Beasley Is

You keep hearing Michael Beasley’s name on SportsCenter and on the radio. From what you’ve gathered he’s a rookie for Kansas State and will probably be the number one pick in the draft. You’re definitely a little embarrassed that you wouldn’t be able to pick the kid out of a lineup, but seriously, they’d have to broadcast a wet t-shirt contest at halftime to get you to watch a regular season Kansas State game.

1) You’ve Started Laying the Groundwork for Illness

The flu swept through your office two weeks ago, and many a sucker took advantage of the epidemic by calling in sick. Not you, though. You had a plan. You felt like dogshit but toughed it out for the greater good. A few days from now you’re going to develop a cough and a sniffle, then claim you caught a late wave of the bug on the days with the best matchups. You’re the office iron man so you own the privilege to tell anyone who questions your sickness to go fuck themselves.

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