You meet Married Guy for a beer after work on a weekday. He’s waiting at the bar for you.

You: Hey, man. Been a while.

Married Guy: Hey, there he is. Good to see you pal. Things have been crazy lately. I needed a beer. Here you go.

[MG slides you a beer]

You: Oh, thanks. Wow. Man, tell you the truth, I couldn’t believe you were cool to hang out on a Wednesday. I figured this was couples cooking night or some shit like that.

MG: Ha. Ha. Ha. You think about that one the whole way over here, wise ass? Go fuck yourself. We both know I can do whatever the hell I want.

You: Oh, is that right? So spending last weekend helping her dad move in with his new girlfriend was something you wanted to do? And you can hit up the strip club with me after we get a little loaded, no problem?

MG: Yes on both counts, bitch. But whatever. I’m not here to talk about what I can and can’t do. I want to run something by you.

You: OK.

MG: Well, I was thinking. Since we don’t get to hang out much anymore…

You: Because I’m busy being awesome and the last time I called you on a Friday night you told me you guys had just started “No Reservations”.

MG: I was fucking sick that weekend! That was a special circumstance! Let it go. Will you let me finish? OK, so, Sarah and I were talking, and she’s go this friend…

You: Oh, no fucking way! [Dramatically slam hands on bar] Are you serious? You’re trying to set me up. That’s what this is all about? Hanging out during the week. Greasing me up by buying me a beer when you know I love beers. All so I’ll go out on a date with one of Sarah’s chubby friends!

MG: First of all, this one’s not that chubby. Secondly, just something I wanted to run by you. Thought it might be cool.

You: I bet this is the only way she let you out of the house, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

MG: I don’t know. Maybe. Whatever. Does it really fucking matter?

You: Kind of matters to how much of a vagina you are.

MG: So do you want to meet this chick or not? Could be fun. Thought we might double date or something…

You: Dude, did you just use the term double date? Where are we going to “double date” to? The ice cream parlor? The sock hop?

MG: I don’t know. We’ll go to dinner or something. You could really help me out here. I NEED THIS. Do you understand? It’s just me and her all the time. SHE NEVER LEAVES. Throw me a bone. This could be a good system. Possibly a win-win all around. Her friend’s kind of a skeez and there’s like a 50/50 shot you could bang her the first night.

[You sit up straight, conversation turns serious]

You: I’m listening.

MG: All you’d have to do is show up, be a moderate asshole to her–think she kinds of digs that–spend most the night talking football with me, feed her roughly five dirty martinis, and then drive her back to your place.

You: Will I have to pay for said martinis?

MG: Yes.

You: And dinner?

MG: Yes. But I’ll subsidize 30% of your meals since you’re making the effort.

You: You said before–and I’m paraphrasing here–”not that chubby”. Please expand.

MG: Roughly 5′4. Not a toothpick, but no land monster either. Nice front court, which really makes up for a couple of deficiencies.

You: OK. Sounds decent. How’s the face?

MG: Pretty, but not super pretty. Nothing too out of proportion.

You: Hypothetically, let’s say I do bang her. What sort of commitment would I be looking at?

MG: Somewhere around three or four more meetings. But the way I look at it, we can make every occasion a group function, which pretty much means you and I will hang out and play Wii the whole time. You commit to three or four of these I think that’s enough to say you gave it a try. From there, we can move on to other friends.

You: This sounds like a pretty money system.

MG: Well, I’ve put some serious time into formulating it.

You: OK. I’m sold. Make it happen. If it works out, I look forward to banging more of your wife’s sort of chubby friends in the near future.

[Hand shake]

MG: Glad you’ve come around. I’ll get the ball rolling. This has been fun. Let’s do it again sometime. I’ve got to run. Two people get voted off on “Idol” tonight and I promised I’d be home in time.

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