Mindless Movies For Men (And Really Butchy Lesbians): The “Terminator” Showdown
March 11th, 2008 by Steve Irony
In honor of the first season of “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” and Christian Bale taking the lead role as John Connor in the “Terminator 4″, I’m dedicating today’ column to comparing “T2″ (the definitive “Terminator”) to the new TV series.
For the purposes of this column and the best interests of all involved, we’re just going to pretend that “Terminator 3″ never happened. I’m not interested in any movie that casts manish Claire Daines in the female lead (sorry, JB) and features a hot blonde stripper robot who never goes full frontal.
“Terminator 2″ v. “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”
Let’s start with the obvious….
The Chick Playing Sarah Connor: Linda Hamilton v. Lena Headey
Before I begin, why the hell can’t Denise Richards land this role? She was very convincing as a nuclear physicist in that “The World is Not Enough”. Who said Sara Connor can’t have an awesome rack? I would also like to throw Posh Spice’s name in the “hat” for any future Sarah Connor roles. Sorry for the rant, here we go…
In “T2″ Linda Hamilton was way too chiseled for my taste. And the crazy in her eyes was not the kind of crazy I like to see in my ladies either (crazy is kinda like the Schwartz, there’s an upside and a downside). Plus, the only thing she’s done since “T2″ was a REAL quick appearance on FX’s “Thief” (my buddy Squirrel is still bullshit “Thief” got canceled).
Lena Headey, for starters, has a much cooler name than Linda Hamilton (”head”-ey, heh, heh). When I hear the name Linda I think of someone reminding me to put my seat in an upright position. Lena was also in “300″ (remember the “love” scene?) and a straight-to-DVD flick with one of my all-time favorite actors, Wesley “Willie Mays Hayes” Snipes, called “The Contractor”. I’m guessing Wesley wasn’t building houses, but instead he was killing fools.
Well, this one’s easy. Both Linda and Lena are flat chested and neither is “leave your wife” hot. Linda by all means should be the winner because of her dedication to the role and because she is an “OG”. BUT Lena was in “300″, which was way more boss than the lifetime original movies Linda keeps reappearing in. You factor in the name differential and the “love” scene, this becomes a no-brainer…
Advantage: Lena as Sarah Connor.
The Cyborg Who Protects John Connor: Summer Glau v. ARNOLD
ARNOLD was way more awesome in the first “Terminator”. He pulled too much comic relief crap in the sequel, but that’s probably only because it was thrust on him by the producers in a desperate attempt to keep Eddie Furlong from looking a complete tool. I think we can all agree that ARNOLD was far more bad ass as Evil ARNOLD than Good ARNOLD.
Summer Glau is a BIG Sci-Fi actress (I should know). She was in “Firefly”, “4400″, and a few others. Every dude in your IT department has given himself the stranger in Ms. Glau’s honor. The girl is cute; not hot, but VERY cute. I kind of like her being more cute than hot because she reminds me of someone I could have dated in college (and by dated, I mean rufeed). Plus, I like the contrast of watching an 80 lb girl knuckling up with a 6′4″, 230 military-looking bastard.
So seeing that I’ve never been a fan of Good ARNOLD, and since Summer Glau spends a lot of screen time in knee-high socks and mini skirts AND puts a new spin on “doing the robot”, I think you know who gets my vote…
Advantage: Summer Glaus as the Cyborg.
Person Helming the Project: James Cameron v. Whoever
Thanks for coming out Mr. Whoever. It’s really not anything you did wrong as much as it is how much Mr. Cameron did right. The dude’s initials are “JC”. Coincidence? I think not…
Advantage: James Cameron at the Helm.
The Better John Connor: Edward Furlong v. Thomas Dekker (looks like Zach mutha fucking Efron)
Jeez, I don’t know what to do here. Do we really have to pick? It’s like choosing between two different places to spend a sober night with the in-laws. I guess I’ll go withhhhhh…Furlong.
The dude was at least in “American History X”. BUT, if the Efron look-a-like could do something cool or pull some awesome role he would get my vote cause I really don’t like Furlong. (Example, if Efron was able to win the role of “Telly” in a remake of “Kids” then he would skyrocket into awesomeness, very similar to the Neil Patrick Harris resurgence.)
There’s really no denying both these John Connors suck. The role of John Connor is just misguided in general. First, John learns he will save mankind. Second, robots from the future come back to kill him. And third, both versions of John continually risk their lives doing stupid shit. EXAMPLE: In the TV show, Efron sneaks out his house because he’s tired of being inside after three days. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. THERE ARE KILLER ROBOTS FROM THE FUTURE AFTER YOU.
And does he sneak out to screw some high school cheerleader? No. He sneaks off to a computer store. NOT helping the case of John Connor. If you’re going to risk your life it should be for a little more then “checking out a hard drive”.
Advantage: Furlong, because “Pecker” was actually pretty good.
Better Story: “T2″ v. “The Sarah Connor Chronicles”
I hope you can follow, this is going to get difficult (sarcasm). I will just run through the positives because the only negatives I can name are casting and poor attempts at humor (seriously, the “Terminator” writers may be more unfunny than me).
“T2″ was groundbreaking due to the use of computer generated special effects. They should have figured out some way for ARNOLD to kill humans. All the kneecapping and knocking out was soft. The T-100 was AWESOME. It made the movie. The story didn’t have to do much work.
NOW, the TV show on the other hand has come up with some rather nifty tricks to keep you guessing. (SPOILER ALERT, if you give a shit) The TV show has brought multiple people back from the future to help stop the robots from taking over. This provides a lot of options when it comes to throwing twists and turns into the plot. Megan Fox is yet to make an appearance, but her boyfriend is front and center. That’s right all you 90210 die hards. David Silver fights cyborgs from the future. And he’s actually not laughable in the role. Just don’t picture him going back to his trailer and nailing Megan between takes. It will make you angry.
The show also tells you that Sarah Connor will die from cancer in 10 years or so. Nothing to get weepy about, but it does add an additional dynamic to the story. Obviously, a show has much more complex storylines than a two hour movie, but still…
Advantage: “The Sarah Connor Chronicles”
As always, I get off on appreciate any and all compliments on my reviews of shitty entertainment. For those of you who disagree, feel free to blow me.
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Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert. Enjoy his regular movie columns and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Good job. This never would have occurred to me after watching the first couple of Sarah Connor episodes, whose sole purpose seemed to be hitting Terminators with different kinds of vehicles. But you are correct, sir. Despite a lack of resources compared to the movies, the TV show has developed its own set of strengths.
It doesn’t matter who plays John Connor, it’s a dumb idea for a dumb character. Cyborgs must kill aimless Valley teen because he grows up to be a sort of George Washington, Martin Luther King and Il Duce rolled into one, and humans must follow the Leader. The less of John, the better.
It was Linda Hamilton, her various enemies and friends, who made the movies, which is why nobody cares about T3 or Tx or whatever it was. I wasn’t thrilled with the casting of Lena Headey _ in a nod to your title, feminist groups joined male reviewers in disparaging Lena’s toothpick physique. Hamilton may have sacrificed some of her small-medium bust getting buff, but flat-chested Headey looked just skinny and weak. Hamilton could kick Hedey’s boney ass. Summer Glau could kick Headey’s boney ass. Hell, even that scrawny and breastless Claire Danes might not get beaten too badly by Headey.
To my surprise, though, Headey handles her portion of the action stuff well. While assisted by stuntwomen, she has taken boxing lessons and has a certain physical presence. I still wish Lena Headey could fill out a pair of women’s jeans or an unpadded bra. But as the TV show has mercifully started focusing more on her character, she’s proven equal to the part.
I must admit liquid-metal John Patrick had more panache than any of the TV terminators so far. But even if her character is still a work in progress, I’m never going to complain about watching Summer Glau, mistress of deadpan inflection.
(And yes, I’m already getting irritated about Megan and David.)