John Daly’s Advice Column

March 13th, 2008 by NextRound in Ex, Humor, Sports

John Daly answers questions from his fans:

Mr. Daly,

You’re the best. I go to the range and only hit driver because you’re my hero. My question is about work. My job can get really boring, but it still pays the rent. Should I look for something new or just stick it out for the stability? And if I look for something new, what internet job site do you recommend?

Your biggest fan,

Jim in Boston

First off Jim, what the fuck is the internet? Consider that question skipped.

Second, quit that shit job. Life is too short not to party. Actually, don’t quit the job. Just quick working. Make those assholes you work for sack up and tell you not to come back.

The Daly Philosophy goes a little something like this: Do whatever the hell you want and life will work itself out. One time on the course I shit my pants because I didn’t feel like walking all the way to the can. And you know what? I still came in 34th place. Good enough to pay for my cigs for an entire year. Get what I’m saying now?

JD,YOU THE MAN! Need a little help here from a guy who knows how to live life right. I’ve been feeling out of shape and I’m beginning to cramp up when I do semi-strenuous things like walk up stairs. I don’t have time to get the gym but I try to eat ok and drink a bunch of water. Any other suggestions?

Thanks,

Andy in Maryland

Andy, buddy, you’re going about this all wrong. There are two kinds of people in the world: the no fun workout pussies and the kick ass bastards like you and me. Don’t try and be something you’re not. Organic foods and bottled water are for no fun workout pussies. Andy, are you a no fun workout pussy?

I suggest a solid regiment of diet cokes, red meat, Kit Kat bars, and booze. If you get real parched, stick your head under a faucet.

Hi John,I’ve got a serious problem that needs the Daly touch. My wife and I haven’t had sex in over a month. When I try and get close she fakes her period. Is it me? Is there something I can do?

Desperate for your help,

Tim in Orlando

Tim, yeah there’s something you can do. Two things actually. You can either divorce her or kill her.

From my experience the latter usually means significantly less court time. You’re pretty much a bitch for sitting on your hands this long.

John Daly,My friends say I’m kind of gay for drinking Michelob Ultras. What do you think?

Appreciate it,

Edward in Atlanta

Edward, your friends are wrong. You’re not “kind of gay”, you’re all the way gay. Rent man-on-man porn gay.

As a rule, I only drink beer on the front nine…or if my body needs to level off from all the weed and Jim Beam.

John,My golf game fifty yards in isn’t where I want it to be. My practice time is limited. What drills are most effective?

Thanks for the tips,

Jack in New York

Jack, you’re asking the wrong fucking guy. Short game is gayer than Mich Ultra. I haven’t practiced my short game since some chick blew me for out-driving her boyfriend.

Hey Johnny Boy,My girlfriend walked in on me masturbating yesterday. Needless to say, she did not take it well. Do you think flowers or a nice dinner would get me out of the doghouse faster?

Looking for answers,

Justin in San Antonio

Justin, a good rule of thumb is: if she walks in on you during man time and doesn’t jump in to finish the job then she’s not a keeper. You pretty much accidentally stumbled upon the test I like to throw at chicks after I’ve gotten to know them a couple of days. You’re one lucky bastard.

It’s been fun. Until next time, John.

i like it

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