Punch In The Face Friday: Puff Daddy
March 14th, 2008 by NextRound
Before we get started we’d like to say for the record we refuse to get into the name debate with Puff Daddy. We just don’t care enough. As a rule we know people by whatever name they were introduced to us. That’s why Booth can’t shake being called “Hot Carl” by half of Team Cool & Tough.
Same goes for Puff Daddy. Biggie introduced us to Puff in high school when were super cool and our lone asset was a CD case full of hip hop. So his name will always be Puff Daddy. We don’t care if we meet him at a benefit and his name tag says “Denzel Washington”. If we’re pretty sure it’s Puff Daddy, we’re calling him Puff Daddy.
This week we came across the news of Puff’s latest entrepreneurial venture. Brace yourself before we smack you side the head with sheer brilliance. Puff is starting an elite car service for drunk celebrities to combat the DUI epidemic that currently plagues Hollywood.
The entertainment industry needs a cure and the only vaccine runs through Puff Daddy’s veins.
Only an unoriginal asshole that’s as big of an unoriginal asshole as Puff Daddy would bring to fruition an idea that has been hatched in sarcastic, judgmental conversations in bars across the country. Can’t you just picture Puff overhearing some drunk lesbian ranting on about how ironic it is that the people who have every resource available to them are the ones who keep getting DUIs? Puff, stretching over to listen without looking like he’s eavesdropping, taking notes on a cocktail napkin, scratching his chin and thinking to himself: That business venture has Bad Boy written all fucking over it.
The whole thing is eerily similar to the first time he heard The Police, an event that single-handily made his career.
Puff Daddy’s PITFF Qualifications
Famous For: Sampling The Police at an opportune time. Being friends with Notorious B.I.G. Duping us all into thinking Mase was a talented rapper. Taking over-the-top antics to obscenely lame levels, yet only turning half the population against him. Inexplicably building a net worth over three hundred million dollars when all his business ventures seem like they shit the bed.
Why That Sucks: Puff had his five years of deserved success (1993-1998) and should have vanished to obscurity with the new millineum. Instead he’s become this obnoxious parity of himself and forced our hand into making fun of him on a Friday.
Puff’s Current Occupations:
- CEO of new designated driver service, Bad Boy Limo and Taxi for A- to C-list Celebrities.
- Head of Bad Boy Records, which we think still exists. The last thing we remember the label producing was Puff’s “Press Play” album in 2006 that promptly stunk up record stores across the nation.
- Producer of “Making the Band: Part One Million”. S-Mac did tell us this reality show “doesn’t completely suck ass,” but S-Mac says the same thing about every Ashton Kutcher movie, so take that for what it’s worth.
What We Don’t Understand: Is how this dude isn’t broke yet. We can’t think of one thing he’s done over the last five years that’s been even a moderate success. The only movie he was in people fast forwarded past his part to watch Halle Berry get nailed by Billy Bob Thorton. Can anyone out there name one of his “bands” from “Making the Band”? Is his clothing line successful? Is that it? Our wardrobe consists primarily of the boxer briefs we wear while typing so we wouldn’t know.
His Other Dipshit Business Ventures That Are Sure to Fail Include:
- Starting a country label.
- “Diddy’s Smoothie Shops”.
- Starring in a film franchise as the black James Bond.
- The Bad Boy Social Network.
- He gets paid to be the face of Diageo’s Ciroc Vodka, which is kind of ironic since he’s going to convince people it sucks.
Puff Should Have Take a Lesson From: Jay-Z. Jay-Z’s managed to accomplish the longevity and success Puff thinks he’s accomplished, but did it without overexposing himself or damaging his brand. Shit, Jay-Z even has Beyonce convinced that the’re dating. Mucho respecto.
The Version of Puff Daddy We Could Sign on With:
Number of Children: 5 biological. 1 through association (whatever the fuck that means). Puff holds the rare distinction of having two chicks he dated pregnant at the same time. Awwwkwarrd.
Why You Still Kind of Have to Respect the Guy: At the end of the day he’s ridiculously played out and not as wealthy as he’d like you to believe, yet he still bangs Victoria’s Secret models. Exampled by his latest lady friend, Yasmeen:
Fun Facts:
- Has lunch with Donald Trump once a month to go over how they can each more successfully become the black and white version of one another.
- His last album had the highest correlation of guest appearances to song unpopularity for any album ever.
- Marc Anthony still wakes up to nightmares of Puff putting J. Lo in the reverse degrader.
- Dude is deceptively chubby, kind of like your college roommate who ate pizza every meal, but you wouldn’t know it except for his massive spare tire.
Now feel free to go out and punch a stranger.
[Sources: Wikipedia, Holy Taco]
Previous Editions of PITFF:
“Punch in the Face Friday” is NextRound’s weekly exposé on shitty people. Click here to check out the PITFF archives. Click here to email us a nominee.
