Mindless Movies For Men (And Really Butchy Lesbians): “Hitman”
March 20th, 2008 by Steve Irony
Think “Bourne Identity” minus the intelligent plot and quality acting. Also think right in my wheelhouse.
The Main Character:
An unstoppable hitman who elite government agencies attempt to track down, but can’t despite all their efforts. REALLY? The guy has a fucking barcode tattooed to his bald head and dresses like a Versace model. Doesn’t seem like it’d be that tough to spot him.
The Plot:
The movie is set mostly in Russia, so you’re in for a lot of ugly dudes with beards and machine guns hunting down the Hitman and continually getting outsmarted by him. And in case you’re not aware, all Russians apparently belong to the mafia. This flick has an absolute dedication to stereotypes. I’m pretty sure if the movie was based in Poland the producers would have made all the extras stare at orange juice cartons because they’re labeled “concentrate”.
And here come the ladies…
The first chick the Hitman encounters looks like Mischa Barton with REALLY BAD teeth. But hey, she’s European. Not her fault. When I’m named Secretary of State the first thing on my agenda will be to invade Europe and sign up all the ladies for proper dental care, along with a crash course in “the business”.
The second chick–who’s also Russian and technically the female lead–has a damn tattoo on her face. I guess it’s supposed to be some sort of dragon, but it looks more like a fucking sea monkey. The defining moment in her relationship with Hitman takes place in a car where she tells him some sob story about how the guy they’re trying to kill bought her for $300, beat her, and made her his sex slave. The Hitman had a really money opportunity to tell her he wouldn’t have paid over $150 for her, but he didn’t take advantage.
It was definitely a strange sensation to listen to a chick with a Russian accent talk about how shitty her life is without having her sitting on my lap in a strip club. ANYHOO, she is fairly hot, with a cute little haircut, nice petite body, and a kind of Euro look. She would definitely give you a night to remember and possibly an STD too.
Very confusing part in the movie takes place when this chick starts dropping lines like “I’m not wearing panties,” straddles the Hitman, and drops her dress. What’s badass Hitman do? He sticks her with a needle and runs to go off more people. What the fuck is that about? Even Jason Bourne took some time to sample the local talent.
More Plot:
The movie stays true to the video game, which means pretty cool gadgets, cars you never see in real life, a story as realistic as the last porno I rented, and a plot that even my slow cousin could follow. All in all, “Hitman” steals a few pages from the “XXX” screenplay. But, on a positive note, it adds some “Matrix”-style shootouts that are entertaining and COMPLETELY over the top. The one thing it’s really missing is a Jet Li appearance.
The Most Unrealistic Part of an Unrealistic Movie:
Hitman runs into some doppelganger hitmen with matching barcodes and they get into a sword fight. Because I’m a semi-reasonable person, I couldn’t help but ask, “Where the fuck did all the swords come from?” The hitmen whip them out like they’re car keys.
Best Lame Exchange in the “Hitman”:
Scene between Hitman and Girl With Sea Monkey Tat (GWSMT):
GWSMT: What is your name?HITMAN: (Face looks like me with a floater on the way) Where I come from they don’t give us names, only numbers. I am number 47.
GWHTSMTOHF: What are you going to do?
HITMAN: I’m going to do what I always do…KILL THEM!!!
(Cue slow motion head shot of Hitman.)
Result of Referral:
You refer this to a buddy and you’re looking to get a beer poured over your head the next time you see him.
If you tell some chick you liked this movie she’s going to automatically assume you collect action figures. (On a totally unrelated note: I stopped collecting action figures years ago.)
If you loved “Mortal Combat” then you’ll love “Hitman”. You’ll most likely also enjoy eating cereal for dinner and punching the clown to Saturday morning exercise infomercials.
Steve Irony’s STAR Rating (1-5): 3.5 Stars
“Hitman” was better than I thought it would be. Translated: it sucks real bad but I didn’t have to turn it off. You certainly will not walk away smarter, and you definitely won’t kick yourself for not catching it in the theater, but it’s a solid rental. It gets the STEVE IRONY SEAL OF APPROVAL.
Previous Mindless Movies:
Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert. Enjoy his regular movie columns and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.
