On the eve of the tournament we met with Billy Packer during UNC’s practice in Raleigh to discuss monkeys, “fagging out”, and O.J. Simpson. We pretend it went something like this:

[Billy sitting in stands watching the Tarheel squad shoot free throws.]

NextRound: Hey, Billy, it’s us, the guys from NextRound.net. How’s it going? We’re here for the interview. Is now a good time?

Billy Packer: What the fuck is a next round?

NR: We’re a website…on the internet. Remember? We talked to your agent and scheduled a quick interview for tonight. He said it would be no big deal as long as you weren’t piss drunk already.

BP: Ha! Too late. What an asshole my agent is.

[Billy tips back plastic commemorative tournament cup.]

NR: Cool. Is that beer? Are they serving beer? A beer would be awesome right now.

BP: If by “beer”, you mean airplane bottles of Jack, and if by “they”, you mean my pants pockets, then yes.

[Billy digs into pants, disregards empties falling to the floor, pours bottle into second commemorative cup for us.]

NR: Bad. Ass. Dude, we take back like 50% of the shit we’ve said about you.

BP: A website, huh? I don’t know too much about computers, think they’re devil’s work. Are you one of those loggers Nantz has been warning me about? Can you explain to me what the hell computers and lumber have to do with one another. I inspected Nantz’s computer the other day and it seems like it’s made of metal and plastic.

NR: [Trying to determine if we heard the seal break when Billy opened the airplane bottle] Loggers? You mean BLOGgers. I guess you could technically call us that, except we don’t really report news, or do anything of substance. We just kind of make fun of people.

BP: Sounds a lot like my gig…So why you guys here? Want to talk about tomorrow’s matchups? I’ve only got about thirty minutes before I pass out.

NR: Tell you the truth Billy, we think our analysis is WAY better than yours, so we won’t waste either of our time. We want to talk about you. Ask you questions like: what pinnacle of your career do you consider more awesome? The time you called Iverson a “tough monkey”, or the time you told the chick working the door at a Duke game she should only be allowed to work women’s games.

BP: Oh, the lesbo at Cameron Indoor. 100 percent.

NR: Cool, that’s what we figured.

BP: What a royal bitch she was. Packer had to set her straight. The Iverson comment was taken out of context. I’m no racist. If anything, I just really like monkeys. I thought I was handing out some pretty high praise there.

NR: Couldn’t agree more. How about that time you dropped “fag out” on Charlie Rose? That was kind of controversial.

BP: Again, I’m from a different era. “Fag out” was just about the coolest phrase you could use back in my day. It was in no way meant to be a gay slur. I pretty much exclusively refer to gays as “gays”, or “the gays”.

NR: Oh, gotcha.

BP: Like right now, I’d say something like, “Tyler Hansbrough looks real feminine when he’s shooting free throws. He may be one of the gays.” Or “Hansbrough really reacted like one of the gays at my wife’s hair salon when he took that elbow from Gerald Henderson.”

NR: Thanks for the clarification. Speaking of hair, do you think it’s kind of ironic that your biggest public feud was with St. Joe’s coach, Phil Martelli? You know, since he’s also a chubby bald white dude? You two look like you should be attending some bald white dude convention together.

BP: Fuck if I know. Coincidence really. If I had funny eyes and got into a feud with Roy Williams, would there be some greater meaning? [Points and waives down to Williams on court] Just look at that goofy bastard.

NR: Good point. No argument here.

BP: We about done? I’ve got five Tylenol PM with my name on them back at the room.

NR: Yeah, definitely. We’re starting to worry the crazy is rubbing off on us anyway. Really, the only reason we’re really here is because we’ve always wanted to ask you if there’s any truth to the rumor that you privately investigated the O.J. Simpson case after he was acquitted. That can’t be true, right?

BP: You kidding? It’s absolutely true. Someone’s got to make sure justice is handed out in this country. Can you think of anyone better than Billy Packer?

NR: Uh, a couple people. How about Stone Cold Steve Austin?

BP: Fuck Steve Austin. I didn’t see him doing the dirty work that led to the O.J. civil settlement. That sort of rain-making was all Packer.

NR: So you’re claiming you’re behind the civil settlement? Wow. You kind of think you’re a superhero, don’t you? Do you have a secret lair somewhere?

BP: Yes.

NR: Where?

BP: You feel like dying tonight?

NR: Do you own a cape?

BP: Maybe.

NR: Wow, Billy. You are crazy…CRAZY LIKE A FOX! A senile, semi-retarded fox, anyway. It’s too bad CBS is pushing you out. You’ve made a fan of us tonight.

BP: Believe me, nobody’s pushing Packer out. I’ve got video tape on the head of CBS Sports that makes the Governor of New Jersey look like a prude. And you don’t even want to know the disgusting shit Nantz is into. Well, if you gentleman will excuse me, I’ve got a twenty minute window to find a call girl who’s into watching me sleep naked.

[Sources: Wikipedia, Fan IQ]

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