Much to the surprise of no one, Brandon Marshall has admitted that it was not a McDonald’s bag that tripped him and caused him to fall into his television, resulting in some pretty extensive nerve damage in his arm. He has now confessed that it was actually wrestling with family members that led to the injury (see: Festivus, Feats of Strength).

What we find impressive is the collective inability of professional athletes to admit how they get injured off the field (see: Jeff Kent and Brian Griese). Scratch that. What we actually find impressive are the fabricated stories that they somehow convince themselves are less ludicrous than the actual ones (i.e. falling over Big Macs, slipping on suds when washing trucks, and tripping over terriers down the stairs). It’s like they hire a room of monkeys to work endlessly on plausible excuses.

For your reading pleasure, we’ve managed to locate the other excuses Brandon Marshall considered before deciding that tripping over a bag of McDonald’s was the most believable:

Tripped over Captain D’s bag. This idea morphed into “Tripped over McDonald’s bag” after Marshall’s PR team came to the conclusion that no one in their right fucking mind eats Captain D’s.

Watching a virtual sex DVD. Got lost in the moment and didn’t come to until his arm was through the glass.

Learned the hard way his living room is not big enough for a Nintendo Wii.

Bought the wrong “Gladiator” on Blu-Ray. When he realized it was the Cuba Gooding Jr. underground boxing movie he had no choice but to destroy the television.

Joey Porter is stilled pissed they shot him in Denver. Took his anger out on Marshall.

Fell asleep while watching “The Ring” on HBO. Awoke convinced the creepy girl from the well was after him. Physically demolishing his flat screen was the clear choice between life or death by mutilation.

Billy Blanks provided no disclaimer about distance needed from one’s television.

[Source: FanHouse]

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