Sometimes you try to do something really awesome and something really REALLY awesome happens. Other times you try to do something really awesome and Palace on a Lake happens.

If you don’t know the full Palace backstory, you can check it out here and here. If you don’t care that much, I’ll boil it down for you: I decided it would be ultra Cool & Tough if my buddies and I bought into a racehorse. I spread the word that for 500 bucks each we could be horse owners.

My friends wanted in, then friends of friends wanted in, then fathers of friends wanted a piece of the action. I had people I had never met before sending me checks for 500 dollars. The overall mindset was pretty consistent: most dudes think the idea of getting wasted at the track and betting on a horse they own is awesome.

In roughly a week’s time I was mailing a 12.5K payment to Westpoint Thoroughbreds for a 5% ownership interest in a horse called Palace on a Lake.

As you might have put together, things have not gone quite to plan. Here’s a timeline of how I managed to kick myself in the nuts:

June ‘07 - Cool & Tough Racing LLC forms with 26 members. For every 500 dollars invested you receive one voting share in the LLC (some investment savvy individuals decide to buy multiple shares).

July ‘07 - The average number of chicks in bars across the nation who have heard about some dude owning a racehorse begins to skyrocket. There are no documented reports of the racehorse line actually getting anyone laid.

July 7, ‘07 - I get fired from my job. In addition to breaking my balls for getting canned, the guys start to crack jokes that I masterminded a plan that would keep me knee deep in McNuggets for a decade despite not having an income (they were only half kidding).

September 1, ‘07 - I get a phone call that Palace will be racing in a couple weeks at Belmont. I immediately punch the clown and then book a flight to NYC.

September 20, ‘07 - I get another phone call while I’m on the train from Newark airport into Manhattan. It’s the trainer. They’ve decided to scratch Palace because she’s running a fever. I tell him to get a second opinion. He hangs up on me.

October ‘07 - The guys shrug off the scratch as a minor setback, primarily because it’s football season and horses aren’t their number one sports priority. Jokes about my possible embezzlement migrate from good natured to mildly insinuating.

November ‘07 - Westpoint posts a three sentence update on their website. Instead of trying to get Palace into a race before the season ends, the trainer, Kiarian McLaughlin (pretty much the best in the business, google it), decides that she should head back to the farm for the winter.

All involved are confused as to how this seemingly major decision is announced in a 3 line update. The mild insinuation turns into open discussion over whether I have swindled my friends or I’m just an idiot.

December ‘07 - Some of the guys are getting restless, but luckily none have shown up to lynch their unemployed, slightly overweight buddy who they mailed 500 bucks to for a horse that may or may not exist.

Did I mention that at this point I still have a debilitating slight gambling habit, I’m still unemployed, and college football season is coming to end?

January ‘08 - Westpoint Thoroughbreds begins sending the worst updates in history in the history of crappy, ill-advised thoroughbred updates. They start by informing us that Palace is enjoying her time on the farm, just relaxing and “learning to be a horse again.”

Couple of reactions from the guys: 1) How the fuck does a horse forget how to be a fucking horse? and 2) A handjob from a decent looking hooker would have cost way less than 500 bucks.

February ‘08 - To say that my relationship with some of my friends has become a little awkward is an understatement. Luckily for me, this is when shit really starts to hit the fan.

We get an update that Palace has stopped eating, and she can’t train if she won’t eat.

What. The. Fuck. Horses usually eat week old garbage if you put it in front of them. Or maybe that’s goats. Whatever. At this point I’m star

ting to feel like Michael Douglas in “The Game”, except with more drive-thru windows.

Our next update: Palace is eating but she’s still not “attacking her feed bag the way we would like.”

Come on!

Next update: “We think Palace has ulcers causing her to not eat as well as we would like. We are going to change her medication.”

That ought to be cheap.

March 1, ‘08 - New update: Palace is starting to do better but she is a “really high strung philly.”

Couple more reactions from the guys: 1) Yeah, winters sitting around a farm in Florida not working can be real fucking stressful, and 2) Booth, you’re life is a permanent grease-fire, but you’ve still managed to make this the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.

March 15, ‘08 - Mob mentality finally kicks in with Cool & Tough Racing. I’m considering swimming to Fiji when JK comes to my rescue at the end of a particularly brutal email chain:

“Did any of you guys really expect a huge return on this investment? Hopefully, you did it for the same reason I did. It’s stupid, it’s funny, and you can tell chicks you own a piece of a racehorse.

Stop the crying you babies, I feel like I’m playing cards with my brother’s kids or something. This horse may or may not be a piece of shit (I’m thinking probably so, just like the rest of you). But seriously, next time you get $500 just put it in a IRA like the rest of the boring, lazy, dickless people who don’t own a racehorse. You can tell your grandkids about how you watched your money grow tax-free at 5% and how excited you were. Meanwhile, 100 horse ventures down the road, the rest of us will be drinking mint juleps in the winners circle in Kentucky.

And, if your going to make fun of the horse (which is definitely warranted at this point) just make it original.

Donkey on a Sewer Line, Colt on a Pond, and Camel on a Ditch have all been used for the record and all mean about the same thing.

With love, your business partner and friend,

JK”

March 24, ‘08 - I finally feel like the heat is cooling on me after JK’s little reality check when I remember Cool & Tough Racing is about to be responsible for our portion of Palace’s “maintenance”. Turns out my initial intuition was correct: ulcer medication was not cheap.

As for Palace the most recent update:

“Palace On A Lake has resumed breezing. We have altered her feed program and her medication, and she seems to have responded. We’ll look to get her as fit as possible before sending her to the track. We’d like to have her within only thirty days or so from being race ready when she returns. She should ship in about thirty days or so.”

Her first career start should take place sometime during the middle of May. We expect big things.

Previous Happily Hungover:

• Booth Wakes Up Early, Shock to System
• Booth Goes on an Interview
• Saturday Running Diary
• What Monday Is Like
• How to Race a Racehorse

“Happily Hungover” is Booth’s column chronicling the life and times of NextRound’s Marketing Director/Resident Couch Dweller.

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