Die hard college football fans like ourselves have spent the week questioning the motives behind South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia’s actions after he once again failed to avoid getting busted for underage drinking this week. Outside of an unfortunate haircut and the inability to drink booze behind closed doors, Garcia seemingly has a lot going for him: strong arm, Spurrier’s offense, program dying for a game changer, good family, etc. So why does this kid continue to sabotage himself by doing the same GD thing over and over? Does he simply just love the beers that much?

Then it hit us like a ray of sunlight creeping through a fatty’s apartment window on a Saturday morning: Stephen Garcia wants to be Tim Riggins.

Tough to blame the kid, Tim Riggins is really awesome, and who doesn’t want to be awesome? The problem is Riggins is a fictional character and Garcia is apparently too naive (or maybe dumb or delusional) to have yet grasped that real life is not as cool as fiction. If it was we would have gotten laid a whole bunch instead of being escorted out by security when we tried our hand at wedding crashing.

We’ve been lucky enough to stumble upon Garcia’s checklist of how to be more like Tim Riggins. It’s pretty obvious the endgame here is to be awesome like Riggins (i.e. bang hot chicks and make everyone think you’re a tortured, complex individual).

Stephen’s List of How to Be More Like Tim

1) Drink Beers. All. The. Time. Just like Tim does. Nothing spells out how cool and tough you are for you like ALWAYS drinking. For breakfast, in class, during two-a-days. CHECK

2) Be Aloof. You’re actions need to tell the world that you are your own worst enemy. No one will take you seriously as a complicated bad ass unless you keep repeating the same stupid shit to fuck up your life over and over again. In Progress

3) Get Cool Hair. No explanation necessary. CHECK

4) Bang Best Friend’s Hot Girlfriend. Two-parter. First get best friend with hot girlfriend, then bang her. In Progress

5) Create Issues with Dad. Keep telling him he’s an asshole for abandoning us. He may act confused but stay the course. In Progress

6) Bang Hot Older Chick. Continue to lay ground work with several female professors. Should probably be coring one of them out any day now. In Progress

7) Piss Off Coach, Then Earn His Respect Back, Then Piss Him Off Again. Continue to repeat. CHECK

Man, Spurrier must be dying for this show to get canceled already.

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