“Untraceable” is too high tech for its on good. Steve Jobs would get lost watching this thing. On top of that, it’s so far fetched you get the feeling a producer somewhere is snickering at what a dumbass you are for even attempting to make it all the way through it.

The Plot (pretty much me paraphrasing IMDb with my thoughts in parentheses):

This chick FBI agent (sometimes cougar Diane Lane) gets caught in a very personal and deadly cat-and-mouse game with a serial killer who knows that people (being what they are, both curious and drawn to the darker side of things) will log onto an “untraceable” website where he conducts violent and painful murders LIVE via the internet. (I”m SHOCKED! Are you SHOCKED?!)

As far as I’m concerned Lorenzo Llamas’s “Renegade” had a more realistic plot than this movie along with superior character development.

Irony’s Theory:

Whatever computer geek wrote “Untraceable” undoubtedly went through the following creative process: 1) Had a killer idea for a movie, 2) Got halfway through writing it, started feeling less creative, and decided to smoke as much pot as possible, 3) Got real fucking hungry and made a run to KFC to try out their new popcorn chicken, 4) The last hundred pages are smeared with greasy fingerprints.

Things That Are Actually “Untraceable” in This Flick:

1) The plot (see above).

2) Diane Lane’s sex appeal. WTF happened to Diane Lane? She is looking her age and not in the hot cougar way she’s supposed to be. I can’t stress enough how disappointing she is in this movie. Zero makeup, zero skin, zero public bathroom scenes. The only thing there seemed not to be zero of are wrinkles. I think she might be making a go at being a “serious” actress. Sad, very sad.

3) Colin Hanks’s comic relief. The dude is just like his dad…in “Saving Private Ryan”, not “Bosom Buddies”.

And then there is…

4) Any sense of emotional investment. By the end I was actively rooting for the serial killer. Just about everyone he kills pretty much deserves it, except for a cat at the beginning. I was kind of bullshit about the cat. But hey, cats are overpopulated so who am I to complain.

People Who Shouldn’t Watch this Flick: Anyone who saw “Unfaithful” with their girlfriend and was pleasantly surprised at not only how hot Diane Lane was but that she also wasn’t scared to get down in bathroom stalls.

Note to the Producers:
Don’t bait and switch. You assholes know better. People get bullshit when they expect HOT Diane Lane and get the version of Diane Lane who looks like she just worked a double at Shoney’s.

Result of Referral:

Getting sucker-punched from behind in public.

Steve Irony’s STAR Rating (1-5): 1.5 stars.

Unlike “Hitman”, I expect much more out of actors who should know better.

Previous Mindless Movies:

• “Hitman”
• The “Terminator” Showdown
• “Underworld” v. “Resident Evil”
• The Intro

Steve Irony is Team Cool & Tough’s resident shitty cinema expert. Enjoy his regular movie columns and please take his opinions with a grain of salt.

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