You know the guy. WE ALL know the guy. That one dude in your pool who picks the most spineless bracket possible every single year. He’s the guy you regularly refer to as “dickless asshole” or “my one gay buddy” whenever you’re casually discussing the NCAA tournament at work or in a bar. He’s the guy all your friends raced to make a sarcastic comment about when you saw he picked a 3 seed to upset a 2 seed in the Sweet Sixteen (for the record, you thought your line about him “also joining a pyramid scheme” was pretty money).

Every single year he’s consistently mocked and belittled for his inability to sack up and at least pretend to show some insight. But not this year. Not today. No, March 31, 2008 will be remembered as…

THE DAY MR. CHALK TELLS YOU TO EAT A DONG!

Four #1s in the Final Four! Count ‘em! Four! Who has the insight now?! Who knows sports now?! Who’s the big fucking lameass now?! Who outside of Mr. Chalk could have envisioned Memphis’ free throw percentage not catching up with them, UCLA’s injury rumors being overstated, Bill Self not turning into Bill Self when the pressure was on, and Tyler Hansbrough’s complete lack of NBA potential never coming into play?

Today’s the day you make peace with the fact that Mr. Chalk will be taking your hard earned money. It may help for you to laugh off the audacity. It may help to commiserate with your friends. Or it may help to tell yourself that Clark Kellogg–someone with limited working knowledge of the sport–was the only person who watches college basketball for a living who picked all #1 seeds in the Final Four.

But whatever way you slice it, it’s officially the year of the lameass. It may be time to start preparing for Lakers and Yankees championships and dudes with beards marrying chicks way out of their league.

[Site Note: We’d like to apologize for the lack of content at the end of last week and our inability to give out superlatives this morning. It’s wedding season, and we’ll be spending the next few weekends traumatizing bridesmaids and pitching the idea of escaping to Tijuana to grooms. Things should be back to normal shortly. Please bear with us. Thanks.]

Email This